Zambrano’s About To Suffer Caffeine Withdrawal

Can we get a straight diagnosis on Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano? MLB.COM says his potassium level is low, while the SUN-TIMES says it’s more than that. It’s all that damn Red Bull. Hey, at least it’s not a twisted testicle. (Yet.)

Cubs fight Zambrano Barrett

(”C’mon, dude, gimme a sip of your Mountain Dew!” “No way man, you owe me from the last one.” “You know I’m good for it!”)

His hydration problems came to light on Monday when he “changed sweat-soaked shirts three times during Monday‚Äôs start,” even though he had plenty of fluids, including Gatorade. In the 7th inning, they had to yank him in lieu of a reliever because of muscle cramps. So they’re going to send his sweat to the Gatorade Sports Science Institute for evaluation.

Zambrano admits he has to “stop drinking coffee and Red Bull and put more [clear fluids] in.” Quitting a regimen of Red Bull is usually standard health practice anyway. Next on the agenda: Why my left arm tingles. Could it be the double cheeseburgers?

Anyways, here’s to Zambrano’s health as it relates to the Cubs’ Curse-centennial. And don’t set up a Google News Alert for “Zambrano Sweat.” It’s not the same to hear about Gatorade’s findings if Keith Jackson doesn’t explain them to the tune of “Black Betty.”

Watch Zambrano’s cramps disappear by August and lead the Cubs to win the … NL Central and get swept by San Diego. And the legend continues…