DUI: Zach Randolph Can’t Drive Drunk Very Well

It’s pretty much a given fact of life that Zach Randolph is bad at things. We mean everything. If Zach were tasked to build a car out of Legos, he would end up handing you a dead fish covered in asbestos and lead paint. So when he decided to get sensationally drunk (on a Sunday night - that’s a school night, pal!) and get behind the wheel of his Bentley, well, you probably already know how that ended up.

DUI stop
(Paging PHOTOSHOP DISASTERS, you’re wanted on line 4…)

As TMZ reports, Randolph got popped for a DUI last night, raising the total amount of DUIs by athletes to infinityleven. Seriously, how does this still happen? Zach Randolph makes almost $17 million per year. He can afford a limousine. Hell, he can afford a limo made of cocaine, platinum, and leprechaun femurs. At no point should he ever have to get behind the wheel of any car, drunk or not, for the rest of his life.

But he did anyway, despite having been busted for DUI before, and just like every time he tries to do something, he drove drunk poorly:

Clipper power forward Zach Randolph was pulled over by California Highway Patrol officers on the 405 Freeway when they spotted Randolph’s white Rolls Royce weaving in and out of his lane at around 2:25 AM.

Cops say when they approached the car, they “noticed an odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from within the vehicle” and proceeded to perform some field tests on the 6′9,” 255 pound 27-year-old. Randolph failed those and was arrested for DUI.

Quick word, although we’re probably a bit late to make a difference: those lines on the street are there for a reason, and it’s not to make the road look awesome. Of all of the potential outcomes of “get blitzed and get in the car,” a DUI arrest without a crash is actually one of the least calamitous. Just ask Donte Stallworth.

Oh, by the way, we’re fortunate enough to have procured EXCLUSIVE video of the traffic stop. We haven’t actually watched it yet, but our source swears it’s legit, so here goes.

Our apologies, SbB readers, as that’s clearly Zach Randolph making a mockery of the institution of basketball, not making a mockery of the institution of driving. Huge difference, there. We regret the error.