As always, we look beyond the news trends to bring you the truth here at SbB. Today is no exception as we spotted Andruw Jones’ MRI results in the LOS ANGELES TIMES. Not only does poor Andruw have to deal with a miserable year in the field and at the plate for the second straight season at the relatively tender age of 31, but he now has torn cartilage and fluid in his right knee.

This would be enough to get our attention as Jones has been a stalwart for attendance, having avoided the disabled list for his entire career so far. He averages nearly 160 games each year, which belies his supposed dispassion for the sport.

However, we became truly concerned for Andruw Jones’ well-being when we also heard in the same piece that he has a “golf-ball sized wart behind his knee that might have to be surgically removed.” [our disgusting emphasis added] Why have they waited so long? Are they waiting for it to grow to baseball size so he can take batting practice with it?

He has torn cartilage and fluid in the knee and a huge wart behind it during an extended two-year slump during the supposed peak of his career? That can only mean one thing, true believers:

Andruw Jones has angered a witch.

Lest you find our analysis lacking, observe:

• His knees are breaking down.
• He’s getting huge warts on his body.
• He’s growing more bulbous every day.
• He’s closer to sea level than ever before. (We choose here to assume that he’s shrinking and didn’t just, say, move from Atlanta to Los Angeles.)

What other conclusion can you draw than that Andruw Jones is turning into a toad? He does seem to be reverting back from Princehood. We assume he was granted a wish by a witch to become a world-famous successful baseball player, which would have been nearly impossible for a boy from Curaçao. (After all, there’s only been six baseball players from there.)

After some time, he angered the witch by failing to return the favor at the age of 30. (All she wanted was Vidalia onions, Andruw! You couldn’t share your stash?) At that point, she cursed him by taking away his baseball prowess in 2007.

When that didn’t work and he received a huge contract from the Los Angeles Dodgers (for how would a witch from Curaçao know there were more gullible people in the United States than in her home?), she cursed him again by taking away his humanity and turning him into a toad. (A cane toad, we imagine; something local.)

And for those who doubt the witch’s existence: what’s one of the ingredients of a Witches’ Brew cocktail?

Blue Curaçao. We rest our case.

Still, we don’t see this curse working on Andruw. We think he’ll still be a toad, mind you, but who else will Joe Torre play in center: Juan Pierre? Please.

(Your 2009 Opening Day starter in center field for the Los Angeles Dodgers)