Youth Soccer, On The Scale Of Theft Awfulness

Rather jarring news from the world of children in Umbro shorts today, as La Quinta AYSO (American Youth Soccer Organiziation) regional commissioner Sharon Schumaier was named in a felony embezzlement investigation over a sizable chunk of missing money, according to the PALM SPRINGS (CA) DESERT SUN.

Like, over $100,000.

Sharon Schumaier
(Leading contender for Mother of the Year)

As UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL notes, she’s been convicted of a similar crime before, so her claim that she’s resigning because it’s “too much work” should be taken with at least some skepticism. But it got us to thinking, where does this rank on the scale of the most reprehensible places to steal money from? It’s children, after all, but have you ever met a soccer mom who wasn’t a total assbag once she got behind the wheel of her Mercury Mountaineer?

So, let’s place it on our sliding scale of theft awfulness, below:

0.0 - Michael Bay
0.5 - Hitler’s still-warm, dead grasp in the Berlin bunker
1.0 - The penny tray at the gas station
2.0 - Paris Hilton’s glove compartment (that’s not a euphemism, you pervert)
3.0 - The office supply cabinet (this drops to 2.5 if your company employs over 100 people)
3.5 - Wal-Mart’s produce section
4.0 - A newspaper stand
5.0 - Wal-Mart in general
6.0 - Shaquille O’Neal: Terribly unethical, but if you can get away with it, more power to you
7.0 - Parents or legal guardians
7.7 - La Quinta region of AYSO
8.0 - Retirement funds, Madoff-style
8.5 - Grandparents
9.0 - A blind nun, and yes, from here on out, disabilities or other incapacities necessarily must be involved
9.7 - A wheelchair-bound child who’s doing some fundraising
10.0 - Babies from the neo-natal care ward of a hospital

Okay, so a 7.7. That’s pretty awful, and the sheer volume of money involved might put it up to an 8. But that’s the ceiling here.