You + Wedgie - Lunch Money = Canadian Mathlete

While we’re hardly traditionalists at SbB (we support, for example, the implementation of rocket-propelled grenades in baseball), we do have a certain reverence for the Olympics and all they stand for. While we don’t want them to go back to the all-nude affairs of ancient Greece (again, not traditionalists here), we do think that there’s been some rather unconscionable decisions recently about including new Olympic sports. Judo? Fine. Synchronized diving? Uh, we guess? But certainly there’s no way that the words “olympics” and “math” can be put together, right? Um, right?! …uh oh.

Special math olympics
(The Math Olympics sure are special.)

Yes, according to the WINDSOR STAR, those crazy northerners are holding Olympics for kids who are good with numbers. We can’t imagine they’re, ahem, handing out too many condoms at those. But at long last, Canada, have you no shame? Must you sully athletics with that extra “m” at the beginning?

“Basically, the whole purpose of this is to give these kids an opportunity to meet other kids that are like-minded in terms of their talents, their interests and special gift in math,” said organizer Frank DiPietro, a consultant to the Windsor-Essex Catholic District School Board and president of the South West Ontario Association for Mathematics Educators.

In terns of “like-minded in terms of their talents” and “their interests” we can only assume DiPietro means not being able to talk to girls. I mean yeah, we’re talking about kids who are in middle school, but we mean, like, ever. But maybe they’re breaking down preconceptions and stereotypes at this thing. Maybe the New Mathlete is cool, hip, modern, awesome… maybe? Yes?

Children began showing up as early as 7 a.m. Saturday, armed with calculators, protractors and the like, raring to get started.

…no.We don’t get why there’s exclusivity between the two. If they can combine chess and boxing, why not go all the way and combine math and athletics? Like, oh, I don’t know…  algebra and football? It’s not that we’re actively rooting for these doughy 7th graders to get run over by a middle linebacker at full sprint, but… okay, yes it is. That’s exactly what we want out of that proposal. Sorry for lying.