Nowhere is it written, we suppose, that a quarterback needs to know how to party. As a matter of fact, more often than not, it leads to trouble, or at the very least some embarrassment. There’s Vince Young, Ben Roethlisberger, Kyle Orton, and the ultimate tragedy behind center, Joe Kane Joe Namath. At the same time, we have to wonder if a life ruled by sobriety is ever worth it; yes, this guy was a drinker, but these guys weren’t. We don’t see the harm in a cocktail or two. Or a hundred cocktails.

(Don’t worry, Colt, your options are still wide open.)

But then again, we’re (clearly) not quarterbacks of a top 5 football team, and Colt McCoy is, so we begrudge his tee-totaling instincts at our own peril. But still, if he doesn’t want to partake in the devil water, fine, but dude, learn to diversify your portfolio a bit:

Not so long ago, a group of sportswriters wanted to know whether Colt McCoy drank.

“Yes,” he told them. “But only milk and water.”

Turns out the Texas quarterback had recently given up Dr Pepper. His coach, Mack Brown, chuckles at the story.

“They thought he was putting them on,” Brown recalls. “He really wasn’t.”

Milk and water? What, Yoo-Hoo’s too hard on the arteries there, champ?

Okay, so the story’s about more than the fact that Colt McCoy’s virgin stomach can’t handle anything stronger than Similac without him collapsing in toxic shock, and it says that he just likes to “keep it simple.” You can tell by his baseball cap and jeans or something.

And fine, we’ll grant him that. There’s a lot to be said about whittling down a playbook to suit its quarterback’s limitations; while it’s anathema to an offensive coordinator’s mindset, just look at the 2002 Iowa Hawkeyes; they had a first-year starter named Brad Banks at QB and cut his reads down to only one half of the field at a time. Defensive coordinators didn’t adjust until Banks was the runner-up for the Heisman and Iowa was in the Orange Bowl, their first BCS appearance in over a decade. Banks is now in the CFL, seeing as how he was never really that good in the first place, but his coaches kept it simple.

But seriously, Colt. At least try a Bud Light. They have “drinkability,” as we’re reminded 60-70 times per televised football game. I’m surprised you hadn’t caught onto that yet. Drinkability.