Yelling Mark Cuban Is This Year’s Tickle Me Elmo

This Christmas, what can you get for the Mavericks fan who has everything? We mean everything, even the creepy stuff like Maverick-themed bedding and Derek Harper’s (game-used!) armpit hair.

Mark Cuban Doll
(”Choking hazard”? Kitty’s got claws.)

How about the dancing Mark Cuban doll? As Cuban’s brother Brian muses on his CUBAN REVOLUTION blog, “Think an NBA referee designed this doll?  Is this a warning to any NBA referee who buys the doll? Open At Your Own Risk!” The Golden State Warriors, of course, have their own theories as to what that might mean.

The best feature of the doll, blue sweatpants aside, is the fact that it “yells at the refs.” Whether there are any dancing referee dolls within earshot is its own issue — I’m guessing “no” on that one — but we’re awfully curious as to what the doll actually says. Is it your typical boring stuff, like “He was out of bounds!” or “Call the foul!”? Or are we getting into the good Cuban stuff, like “I can buy and sell you, maggot referee!” or “[expletive deleted] you, [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] gobbler!” We’re kinda hoping for the latter.

So how much would you pay for this priceless toy, this sure-to-be child pleaser? Did we mention it dances? $5,000? $50? $75,000? It’s actually on sale right now on eBay for the low, low, there-might-be-something-wrong-with-it Buy-It-Now price of $9.99!

Go buy it. Seriously, do it. Just imagine the look of unadulterated terror on the face of that nephew you never really liked when he opens his present and gazes at the Cuban Doll’s soulless eyes and unhinged jaw. And that’s before it yells at him. Come on, you secretly hate that nephew. Do it. Ruin his Christmas — the Mark Cuban way!