Yeah, It’s Probably Best Not To Anger This Goalie

Emily Dickson mocks your antiquated notion of 11 players per side. The 14-year-old British schoolgirl scored two goals recently in a youth league game; not impressive until you find out that she’s the goalie, and both scores were on 120-yard shots from her own penalty box. Boom goes the dynamite!

Emily Dickson

These goals didn’t bounce into unattended nets, mind you; in both cases, the opposing goalkeeper was on duty. Which begs the question: Is Emily that good, or did her goalie counterpart have some sort of full-body Tourette’s? It’s believed to be the first time that a goalkeeper has scored twice from his (or her) own penalty box in a regulation game in the history of Britain; impressive when you consider all of those Monty Python soccer sketches.

From THE DAILY TELEGRAPH, your finest source for bionic-footed schoolgirl soccer news:

“I took the ball and smashed it as hard as I could when it came to me (Emily said). “It bounced over the keeper and went in. I couldn’t believe it.” She added that her manager came onto the pitch afterwards and told her “double or quits”, priming her for a second attempt.

“So when the ball came to me next, everyone shouted ’shoot’, so I did and in it bounced.”

I have no idea what any of that means because I don’t speak British. But what I do know is this: Somewhere there is a very lonely opposing goalie who received no post-game orange slice.

All of this helped Emily’s team, the Hoddesdon Owls, defeat the Stevenage Vixens 3-2. The most goals by a goalkeeper ever in one game, according to the Guiness Book of World Records, is three; by José Luis Chilavert of Paraguay’s Velez Sarsfield in 1999. As if you didn’t know.

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