Yankees Declaring War On Germs In New Stadium

In today’s “we can pimp our team logo anywhere” announcement, the New York Yankees are really getting their money’s worth out of the billion-plus dollars poured into the stadium.  Not only do they get awesome TVs (because of blocked views) and plenty of (available) premium seats, but now they have the magic power to rid the park of microbes.

A pensive moment with Hank Steinbrenner

(A pensive moment with the latter-day Howard Hughes, Hank Steinbrenner)

Seriously, that’s a superpower, right? Hank Steinbrenner is Antimicrobial Man! Leaps over tall tales in a single bound! Scrubs clubhouses clean with one flick of his hair! Sanitizes all Yankees stories on the YES Network with just a grunt! Anyone that can keep that building in the Bronx free of germs deserves a Nobel Prize in medicine and a World Series ring.

Of course, the Yankees aren’t really keeping the whole stadium superclean; you unwashed masses can just die of consumption while you’re consuming Yankee product.  They’re keeping the clubhouse area and any other place ballplayers work free of nasty bacteria like MRSA, which can be incredibly dangerous.

However, it’s a bit much to drop a press release declaring your new home “the first antimicrobial facility in Major League Baseball”, no?  First, are we forgetting about Hazel Mae’s dressing room at MLB Network?  It’s in her contract, you know.

More importantly, this is just a reminder that all other MLB teams want their players to contract dangerous and painful infections that will lead to amputation and death.  That’s the clear message here.  Otherwise, why wouldn’t other teams become antimicrobial facilities?  They hate their players.