If we’ve learned anything from baseball, it’s that congressional hearings on steroids are the most entertaining things ever. But would it have killed ESPN to televise Vince McMahon’s hearing discussing steroids in professional wrestling? Though it happened a year ago, the transcript was just released from the WWE boss’s appearance on Capitol Hill, and my God is it amazing.
(Let’s just say Vince wanted to tell Congress to do this.)
You can read the transcript here, and I highly recommend it. The AP would probably call it “contentious.” Jim Ross would call it a barn-burner. “By God, King, that’s Vince McMahon’s music! He’s here to lay the smack down on those candy asses in the House! Oh, I’ve never seen such carnage!”
And by the way, Vince McMahon stole Frank Deford’s shoe. Huh?
A fine selection of quotes from Mr. McMahon:
• “Stop trying to put words in my mouth.”
• “I’m insulted, quite frankly, sitting in front of you today by answering some of these ridiculous questions. I’m a businessman. I’m a good businessman. I do things legally. We’re a public company. We put smiles on peoples faces all over the world. That’s what we do. This is a fun business. So it seems to me that this inquiry is some sort of witch hunt.”
• “I don’t get your line of questioning here. I really don’t. It is accusatory, and I find it offensive.”
• “Are you trying to slap my wrists because there was some sort of, you know, provision like this? I guess that’s your opinion. If that’s what you want to do, go right ahead. It was a start.”
• “I don’t care what you prefer. I’m going to answer the question the way I want to answer the question, okay? That’s what I’m going to do.”
Tell us what you really think, Vince. More importantly, tell us about that time you went bowling with SPORTS ILLUSTRATED’s Frank Deford:
“Look, I’ve borrowed one of Frank Deford’s shoes one night,” McMahon said. “He doesn’t like me. … Frank Deford wrote something derogatory. But, you know, he has no sense of humor and he doesn’t like me. We were bowling one night and I borrowed one of his shoes and he never found it. And so he had to walk home in a bowling shoe and one of his others, and he was upset about that I understand. … I also borrowed one of his wife’s shoes, too.”
Is “borrowing his wife’s shoes” some kind of metaphor for sex? Is stealing a man’s shoes some kind of gang initiation on the mean streets of Greenwich, Conn.? And will Frank DeFord leave his coffin long enough to respond to this?