9 times out of 10, politics is a thoroughly insufferable exhibition of pandering, falsehoods, and carefully staged appearances designed to minimize any tests of critical thinking or knowledge. Always smile, always believe in America, say things like “strong,” then spend the GDP of Africa on ads. Rinse, repeat, try to keep from regurgitating dinner.
But every now and then, you get a candidate who’s well-known and cut his chops on speaking in front of a camera years ago. Someone with a background in wrestling. Someone like… Al Franken! Believe it or not, he was a high school and college wrestler. Oh, what’s that? There was another guy from Minnesota? Oh yeah, Jesse Ventura. Okay, him too.
Now it appears that a lady from the wrestling world is about to get involved, and while - sadly - it’s not the one wrestler whose fake boob went “pop”, it is Vince McMahon’s wife Linda… and she means business.
World Wresting Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon (R) will formally enter the Connecticut Senate race today, adding a celebrity element to a contest that promises to be among the most competitive in the country.
“Washington is out of control, and sadly, Senator Chris Dodd has lost his way and our trust,” McMahon will say, according to a copy of her remarks obtained by the Fix. “I can’t sit by on the sidelines anymore knowing that I have both the experience and the strength to stand up to special interests and bring badly needed change to Washington.”
Most notable are McMahon’s steps already taken: for one, she’s not accepting donations of any denomination over $100. That’s because the WWE swims in money from John Cena t-shirts and pay-per-view events that happen like every other week.
Second, she’s got a political team that’s used to this sort of thing:
Mike Slanker, the former political director at the National Republican Senatorial Committee in the 2006 cycle, will be McMahon’s general consultant. Scott Howell & Associates will handle media for the race while Hans Kaiser will be the pollster. Ed Patru, who spent time at the National Republican Congressional Committee, will serve as a communications adviser to McMahon.
Okay, hang on; the McMahon family has hired someone named “Hans Kaiser,” and it’s not a crude stereotype of a turn-of-the-20th-century authoritarian Prussian? How did that happen? Are they priming Kaiser for work in the ring? “You vill submit to zee hammerlocken, Herr Hunter Hearst Helmsley!” Does he at least get to wear a pickelhaube?
There’s one small problem, though; the Republicans got destroyed in Congressional elections in 2006. This is like hiring the zombie captain of the Titanic because “he’s got experience.”
But anyway. Let’s say, for the sake of saying and because we can’t know any better just yet, that McMahon wins this and Vince McMahon is literally the First Senator Husband of Connecticut or whatever they call Congressional spouses. Think of how insane that would be. If, in 2004, you’d been told that the McMahon family - without severing ties with the long, sordid history of the WWF/WWE and its litany of tragic flameouts, steroid abusers, and early deaths - was just six years away from occupying a place in the Senate, you’d probably think that Armageddon had struck and the McMahons were somehow the last rich people in Connecticut or something.
All that said, if McMahon does make it, she’ll need an advisor. Someone who’s close to the family, already has some experience in politics, has hefty Republican chops (and by that we mean has no qualms about making riotously homophobic and racist statements), but also has plenty of time on his hands. Wait a second…
Problem. Effing. Solved.