Wrestler Sues Everyone Over Cookie-Stealing Ban

A scandal I like to call Cookiegate is rocking an Ohio high school, pitting student against teacher, wrestler against coach, parent against administration and man against cookie.

Cookie Monster

Dillon Kelley (pictured), a wrestler at Centerville High School, is suing the school, the board of ed, and the city after he was kept out of a regional tournament because he was being punished for stealing cookies from the cafeteria. Let’s explore what’s obviously the most heinous sports-related crime since Ray Lewis killed a guy, after the jump.

Cookie Monster Kelley is a 16-year old sophomore, and was arrested — yes, arrested — for failing to pay for three cookies at the register of his cafeteria. He served a one-day suspension, and, as per the school’s athletic code of conduct, was to sit out of an upcoming sectional tournament.

That’s when the lawsuits came. Kelley’s mother said she doesn’t care about the tournament, and went public “because I would like my son’s name cleared. He isn’t guilty of what they’re accusing him of. Character is much more important to me than any wrestling tournament. I’m trying to raise a man, not a wrestler or a baseball player.”

Since I’m not named in the lawsuit, and I’m not on the stand, I’m going to go ahead and call her a liar. If it’s just about clearing his name, why did they file two restraining orders to force the school to let him wrestle? Why are they suing for “an amount in excess of $25,000″ for damages, plus, “an amount in excess of $7,500″ for attorney fees, and, “punitive damages.”

And, lady, maybe you’ve got a good case here. Maybe it’s a little excessive to ban a kid from wrestling for three cookies (street value: $1.30). But you lost just about any sympathy you had a chance of garnering when you forced the school to use taxpayer dollars in legal fees. So try teaching your son that it’s wrong to steal, and that there are consequences to breaking the rules, and we’ll all be a lot better off.

[Postscript: they let him wrestle. He lost his first two matches and was out of the tournament on the first day.]