Wrestler Fails Hard At 7-Eleven Insurance Fraud

In case you had lost track, it’s art that imitates real life, and not the other way around*. The reason The Wrestler resonated so well is that just like you’d imagine, wrestlers who don’t know how to do anything else and just get old in the ring lead incredibly miserable, destructive lives.

Michael Taris
(He’s just smiling because he’s thinking about massaging you. Yes, you. Who wants a body massage?)

Today’s case in point: Michael Taris, a Pennsylvania resident and current small-time wrestler. As you’re about to see, Taris apparently doesn’t know how to do much, and according to the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS, he decided to whip up some cash by “falling” at a 7-Eleven back in 2007. Taris must not have realized that insurance companies do actually check on those who file claims of personal injury, because dude, you are doing it wrong:

Despite claims of an injured neck and back, investigators say, Michael Taris, 34, continued to clothesline his opponents and leap from the turnbuckle - while moonlighting as a male escort and massage therapist.

Taris was arrested yesterday and charged with insurance fraud and attempted theft. He was released on $10,000 unsecured bail and is scheduled for a preliminary hearing March 6. 

And sure, you’re probably thinking, “Feh! This is just an accusation from a prosecutor! They have proven nothing!” Well, maybe so, but it seems like Taris is doing an awfully good job of, well, agreeing with him:

Clinton Wagner, a special agent for the Attorney General’s Office, said in the criminal complaint that Taris staged the 2007 fall in a “small splash of coffee” on the tiled floor of a Levittown 7-Eleven. He later admitted that he had filed the bogus claim because he had “fallen on hard times” and needed money.

Wait one damn second. You’re telling me a guy who wrestles in a league nobody has ever heard of, dances with a male escort service, and works for “Massages 4 Men” isn’t paying all the bills?! What the f*ck kind of world are we living in?

Time and time again, history teaches us that a society that doesn’t protect its manwhores is a society that doesn’t respect its manwhores. Clearly that is the case here, and that ain’t right. Yes, you may technically be the defendant, Taris, but it is your duty to put the whole damn system on trial. Manwhores, unite!

*Exception that proves the rule: Slumdog Millionaire. Do not approach those ambiguously South Asian men on your train home from work and blurt out, “Awww, Slumdog! Do the Slumdog dance!” You will only anger them.