Wrestler Busted For Playing Amateur Pharmacist

Like many men of my generation, I once went through a brief & regrettable pro wrestling phase. Mine happened during my sophomore year of college, 1999-2000. It was the age of nu-metal and rap rock; just some months before, I voluntarily attended a Limp Bizkit/Staind concert (10/12/99, Kansas City, MO, in case you want to dig up a setlist). In my defense, I was merely a product of the times, and was not yet wise in the ways of such things as “taste” or “culture” or “bars” or “girls.”

Jeff Hardy mugshot

(Ladies…)

But even though my dalliance with the then-WWF was fleeting, I have remained somewhat interested in the elaborate ongoing storylines of the WWE, both kayfabe and real. Occasionally, a name passes through the news that I still recognize from my days as a wrestling fan and I take note, equal parts embarrassed and proud that I still recognize these names nine years after last giving a damn about pro wrestling for reasons other than to mock it.

But when you take that familiar name and combine it with an amount of drugs that would make Chris Benoit cringe (were he alive today and not, you know, burning in Hell for all eternity), you better believe I’ll do more than just take note…I’m gonna blog about it!

Jeff Hardy, one half of that high-flying tag-team duo The Hardy Boyz (the Z makes it Xtreme, in case you were wondering, and likely protects them from Franklin W. Dixon lawsuits), was busted at his North Carolina home for hoarding an amount of drugs that … well, I believe I already made a bad-taste reference to that.

THEPILOT.COM, which apparently has nothing to do with aviation at all, was there:

Professional wrestler Jeff Hardy is in the Moore County jail Friday after being arrested on charges of trafficking in controlled prescription pills and possession of anabolic steriods [sic].

Hardy, 32, of 265 Boys Camp Road, Cameron, was arrested after a search of his residence yielded 262 Vicodin prescription pills, 180 Soma prescription pills, 555 milliliters of anabolic steroids, a residual amount of powder cocaine and items of drug paraphernalia, according to a press release.

The only thing truly surprising about any of this is the sheer quantity of each drug. It’s hardly a secret that pro wrestlers use the juice with reckless abandon, despite WWE’s rather laughable claims to the contrary. And anyone who spends 200+ nights per year abusing their bodies for the entertainment of violence-porn aficionados at the nation’s mid-sized arenas is going to require a lot of coke and painkillers.

And Jesus, is he really only 32? Look at that mugshot - dude makes Nick Nolte look good. “What’s the moral here?”, you may be asking right about now. The moral is twofold:

One, lesson to the nation’s teenagers - don’t become a pro wrestling fan. Not even for a little bit. It’s a waste of time that could be better spent doing things, like sexing the college girls or, uh, NOT WATCHING PRO WRESTLING. And two, if you’re going to pump your body full of illegal substances in an attempt to keep your wrestling career going, do it under the care of a shady doctor. Get your pills as you need them, because the feds tend to frown on the hoarding thing. This has been your Practical SbB Advice Of The Day.