Worst Person Ever Attacks Special Olympic Relay

You were awful in Little League as a kid, which prematurely ended your dreams of being a professional athlete. Throughout high school you harbored hatred for the jocks, and as a grown man you reached a breaking point one lonely morning watching “SportsCenter”. So you took it upon yourself to target a group of athletes who have no business being where they are, even if their fame is based in pity. So, wanting to take out your aggression on a differently-abled, “slow” group of youngsters, and seeing the Nationals weren’t visiting your town, you assault a bunch of Special Olympic kids.

Special Olympics

That’s my expert psychoanalysis of David Schwartz, who could cure cancer next week and would still be forever known as “The douchebag who threw a chunk of metal at disabled children during the Special Olympic Torch Run.” I hope they print it on your tombstone, f**ker.

The 41-year-old Schwartz was behind the wheel of his car in Valencia, Calif., yesterday afternoon, when he came across the torch relay. Like any human being with a soul, he stepped out of the car and applauded the brave kids, who have overcome their intellectual disabilities to compete against each other in a display of athleticism and brotherhood.

Oh, wait, no he didn’t. He yelled at them to get out of the road, “[used] a derogatory term referencing sexual orientation,” and hurled a metal bolt at them, narrowly missing two children.

Schwartz failed to notice the deputies from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department who were running with the kids. He was arrested and booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and committing a hate crime. His bail was set at $50,000, but I’m considering setting up a fund where we can all contribute to having his bail raised.

Look, I’m not perfect. I bought wheelchair tickets to get into game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, because they were the only ones left. I’ve accepted that karma dictates that my children will be born without legs. But if there is any kind of God in the universe, David Schwartz will be hugged to death by a 400-lb. Special Olympian.

David Schwartz:

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