Admit it: We all love the Schadenfruede of watching prominent athletes and major figures in sports unravel in the hands of the law. As long as other human beings aren’t hurt, the entire experience is relatively harmless … except for the celebrities themselves, and they’re better financially equipped to deal with these crises than anyone else. That’s why, rather than tell you about one demoralizing, stupify Friday arrest, we’re going to tell you about two, then have you choose which one you think is worse. Think of it as the “Choose Your Own Adventure” of celebrity athlete stupidity! Prepare for tales of woe from former Jets-turned-Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma and Texas baseball coach Augie Garrido, one of the only coaches to win a national title at more than one school.

(You know, we’d be intimidated by Jonathan Vilma, too.)

Let’s start with Senor Vilma, the former Miami Hurricane who was arrested Friday afternoon. According to a police report obtained by the MIAMI HERALD, the former Pro Bowler was arrested for reckless driving and resisting arrest after allegedly leading police to pull him over after he nearly hit not one, but two different pedestrians. When police asked him to step outside his Range Rover because its windows were too tinted for them to see into, Vilma refused, leading to a confrontation where he moved aggressively toward an unarmed officer before being cuffed while thrashing and jailed for resisting arrest.

Garrido’s case is both less glamorous and more predictable. The man who turned Cal-State Fullerton into a baseball Titan before leaving for Austin was pulled over on West Sixth Street and arrested for driving while intoxicated either very late Friday night or early Saturday morning. Making matter worse, the AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN has already determined exactly where he was — Eddie V’s and J. Black’s, both just off the famous Sixth Street party district — and how much he drank — five glasses of red wine — before he was pulled over.

So which incident is more embarrassing? Our analysis might surprise you.

On the surface, that would clearly seem like Vilma. Think about it: He was belligerent, he forced police to turn a fairly routing traffic incident into an arrestable offense and he refused to comment after being arrested.

(Augie Garrido: Instant contender for happiest mug shot of all time.)

Yet the more you analyze the two incidents, the more it looks like Garrido has a lot more to be embarrassed about. First of all, what is the all-time college baseball wins leader doing driving himself around when he’s out drinking on the town? Garrido will become the first college baseball coach to earn $1 million per season by 2012, so he has more than enough money to hire his own chauffeur when he hits the town if he wants one. Even more troubling are Garrido’s choice of bars. Both Eddie V’s and J. Black’s are notorious Austin hipster hangouts, the kind of places so lousy with lawyers that it scares any of their potential clients away for fear of needing to make small talk. Garrido is 69 years old. So what is he doing hanging out with 20-something masters-of-the-universe? Can anyone make any sense of that?

So, who should be more ashamed? As you might be able to tell from our incredibly incisive breakdown, we’re leaning toward Garrido. But maybe we’re crazy. Let us know what you think in the comments below. Go ahead, you know you want to.