The Olympic festival now has a slightly different format than previous Games. As always, the Olympics will take in their two weeks of glory, followed by the Paralympics. After that, though, a new set of Games will begin that you may be capable of participating in: the World Mind Sports Games. (After all, you’re smart enough to read SPORTSbyBROOKS.)
There are four events: draughts and go (which we’re pretty sure we majored in during college), bridge, chess, and xiang qi (Chinese chess). Because it’s part of the IOC, it has to follow all the IOC rules: kiss the hem of Anita DeFrantz’s dress when entering the room, be sure to spell names correctly on the check, and pee into a cup for drug testing that makes Dick Pound giddy.
That’s right: drug testing for chess players. (Bridge players, we can see. The gin and tonic test eliminated nearly all the entrants from Florida.) Of course it’s ludicrous, but you tell Dick Pound to give up an ounce of his power. As it is, he wants to run doping controls over all U.S. pro sports.
We look forward to him making us urinate for our co-rec softball league. After all, our pitching is clearly too awesome for mere mortals. We hope his tests are calibrated to test for excellence in our urine. For that’s what we piss. Excellence. Into a cup.