Special surprise for you, but only if you meet the following qualifications:
1) Internet down after ISP found your porn torrent with Pete Townshend?
2) Intercepted grandma’s $500 social security check?
3) Haven’t had a date since comedian Richard Lewis was relevant?
4) One of the 47 Phoenix Coyotes fans who are current with the I.R.S.?
5) Less than three outstanding warrants for your arrest? (Five if Canadian.)
6) Sheriff Joe Arpaio can ID you on piercings alone?
7) Have Cotton Fitzsimmons gallstones stored in your fridge?
Can hotwire breathalyzer ignition device w/out Leyritz’s assistance?
9) Know number of times Jerry Colangelo has undergone angioplasty?
10) Reported a Tiger Woods sighting to your local media?
If you fulfill the above criteria, go ahead and
blow your brains out peruse this unlawful solicitation offer:
Though I’m virtually certain the ad won’t soon be deleted, I’ve transcribed the highlights. (For legally non-binding, entertainment purposes only.)
Hi I am seen in Hustler’s barely Legal 100 and other fine adult films. I recently attended a Cardinals playoff game with a happy football fan and now you have the chance to take me to see the Rangers Saturday night to play against our Phoenix Coyotes.
I have two lower level seats (one for me one for you) and for $500 we will both go and have a great time. Hit me up with your phone number by replying to this posting so that I can make the necessary arrangements. First fan gets to have me and since there is only one of me don’t wait.
Nothing new. Like every other NHL arena, there’s always plenty of Johns at the game.