Wine Critic Tortured With Michael Jordan Gatorade

Give it to Gatorade: they know how to push Kool-Aid. Despite marketing themselves as the stuff of elite athletes, it seems like you can’t find a bloated kid without a bottle stuck to his lips these days. It’s just sugar and water. Oh, and some electrolytes that kids don’t even need.

Gatorade and glowing semen
(Plus the bottle looks exactly like a schlong with a cap on top. Sorry.)

Gatorade decided to up the ante with some Michael Jordan/Hall of Fame-themed flavors, even though history suggests anything “flavored” like MJ is going to be a sensory horror show. The CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s wine critic, perhaps as a result of a lost bet, was tasked with trying the three new flavors. He reported that they were all wonderfully delicious and haha no he didn’t they’re bottles of pure ass: 

Championship gold (citrus orange blend)

Gatorade says these labels “shine a spotlight on Jordan’s business acumen.” One represents him as part owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. The other plugs his company Michael Jordan Motorsports.

Review: A golden color only an urologist could love; more opaque than the other. Smells like Tang on a bender or melted orange Life Savers. Tastes harsh, chemical-like. It’s citrus without the sweetness, like chewable vitamin C. Serve with pretzels, popcorn, Waldorf salad.

Okay, in the interest of fairness, neither of the other reviews are this rough - though neither can be qualified as “good” either.

But “tasting good” has never factored into Gatorade’s plans, the success of which can be placed squarely on the shoulders of marketing. First, they hooked their cart to the Michael Jordan meatwagon, and now they’ve got sports stars like Dwyane Wade and Serena Williams casually dropping Gatorade’s tagline, “that’s G,” into on-camera appearances. That’s to say nothing of those black and white commercials announcing the unveiling of the rebranding with those silly dancers and various sports icons.

In the end, though, it all circles back to children. And on that note, Tiger Woods sold his own Gatorade flavors via, of course, cartoons with talking animals. Just for reiteration’s sake, Gatorade’s worse for your kid than water, but here are some cute, doe-eyed animals who talk and sing!

Is drinking red liquid out of a lake “G”? I’m so confused.