Why Tattoos Usually Aren’t Worth It, Vol. 598,214

Do you have a tattoo? Odds are that it’s stupid. No really, it’s stupid. You’re going to grow up and have kids and they’re going to ask why you drew a skull with fire coming out its eyeholes on your leg, and you’re not going to have an answer that doesn’t make you look even dumber than before.

Marcin Gortat Leg Thing
(Is it really “sticking it to the man” if you ink yourself with a corporate logo and the company doesn’t even pay you?)

And then there’s the financial aspect of it all. Yes, the worst tattoos from a “get a job” standpoint are still the face tattoo (what the hell, seriously people) and the cursive name on the side of your neck (you might as well have written “I have gone to jail on assault charges” there). But for an NBA player, corporate logos can be just as damaging to the prospect of making more money. Marcin Gortat, ye of the Jumpman leg tattoo, we’re looking right at you.

Recall that during last year’s playoffs, Gortat caught some heat for having a Nike logo tattooed to himself mere inches from the Reeboks he was being paid to wear. Reebok asked him to cover the tattoo to protect the shoe company, to which he basically said, “you don’t pay me enough to do that.”

So if their previous, undisclosed deal wasn’t enough, per FANHOUSE, how about zero? Will zero work for you, Mr. Gortat?

When he refused their request, they canceled his modest shoe deal. So now he will be switching back to Nike, specifically the Vince Carter signature shoe.

Carter, the eight time All-Star who was traded to Orlando in June, already has given Gortat his blessing.

“These are the best shoes on the planet,” said Gortat Monday from Poland, where he is training with his national team for the upcoming European Championships. “Reebok didn’t like my tattoo, so I’m back in the Vince Carter shoes I wore for four years before I came to the NBA. These were always my favorites.”

Well, of course! We have always been at war with Eastasia Reebok!

Look, people in the NBA get tattoos. It happens a lot. Usually, it’s under the auspices of “individuality” or something, which is a tacit admission that their own personalities are insufficient - but let’s not get too much into the drive-by psychology here.

But there’s nothing “individual” about a monolithic corporation’s logo, even if they do a superlative job of selling themselves. Oh, you like Nike? Is that so? Well, there’s tens of millions of people over there who also like it, so go over there and compare the fishhook holes in your lips and have a whee of a time. But it has nothing to do with individuality.

Even if Michael Jordan was a pretty badass player, which he was.