Why Does Manny Need All His Salary Right Now?

The latest word from the LOS ANGELES TIMES is that Manny Ramirez and superprick agent Scott Boras are balking at the Dodgers’ latest offer of 2 years and $45 million (which is patently ridiculous) because… wait for it… some of the salary would be deferred, meaning Manny would only see $10 million right away of the $20 million on his contract for the 2009 season. Likewise for the 2010 player option; Manny could accept the $25 million option for 2010, but again, only $10 million paid on time, and the rest would be paid over the three years after the contract was over. That’s apparently not good enough, as Boras’ counter offer asks for the same amount of money, but no deferments.

manny ramirez ladies ...
(”$5 million after taxes? Meh.”)

So let’s break this down. After taking 10% for Boras, then 35% of federal income tax and 9.3% of California state income tax, Ramirez would receive just a hair over $10 million under the original deal, and just over $5 million if the salary deferment is in place. It follows logically, then, that Manny Ramirez needs over $5 million this year, but $10 million is enough. What, then, could Manny possibly need with all that money? SbB investigates after the break.

Settling Hillary Clinton’s campaign debt ($5.9 million): It’s no secret that Manny Ramirez is an unabashed member of the sisterhood of the travelling pantsuits*, and he was particularly upset when the former First Lady lost her bid for the Democratic nomination. Ramirez wants to be able to retire the sizable debt Clinton now faces after loaning her campaign millions of dollars, and salary deferment isn’t going to make that happen.

$240 worth of pudding, 24,000 times ($5.76 million): Aww yeah. Awww yeah. Repeat 23,999 times.

The General Lee ($9.9 million): The iconic car from Dukes of Hazzard sold on eBay for nearly $10 million, despite the fact that it’s just a freaking car. Further, this purchase would be extremely ill-advised as a cursory check of Ramirez’ contract reveals that being chased by Boss Hog down country roads is strictly forbidden.

1 billion pennies and $26,000 worth of modeling glue ($10,026,000, or Manny’s whole takehome pay for 2009): You can furrow your brow in puzzlement all you like. One look at the world’s largest penny fort, though, and you’ll be sorry. You’ll all be sorry.

*This, of course, is a lie, as Ramirez is a vocal supporter of the Trix Rabbit for President.