What The NCAA Really Needs Is A BCS Spokesman

According to ESPN, it looks like the NCAA’s thinking about hiring a permanent “point person” for the BCS, rather than the current system where the BCS spokesman has been the commissioner of one of the conferences on a two-year, rotating basis. That doesn’t seem like much of a problem… up until that conference commissioner has to explain to people why his team just got an unpopular spot in the national title game.

BCS logo with faces
(I think this’ll work.)

So, since we’re helpers as always, we’ve decided that the NCAA is absolutely right. The problem with the BCS system isn’t one of the myriad fundamental flaws that college football fans routinely point out, like the fact that no other sport uses a one-game system for the title or that teams who go undefeated at least deserve a shot at the title. No no, we’re going to need a spokesperson for this. Fortunately, we’ve got four candidates lined up for you.

Emeral Bowl Trophy Bobby Bowden
(Potential problem: we’d have to break it to him that the Emerald Nuts Bowl trophy isn’t for a title after all.)

Bobby Bowden

If you’re going to use an antiquated, unpopular system in defiance of the overwhelming will of college football fans, why not have an antiquated, unpopular coach who stuck around at his school in defiance of the overwhelming will of that team? Sure, everyone’s going to turn on the liver-spotted octogenarian soon enough, but… well, look. Do you have a better idea of how to get him out of Tallahassee without setting fire to his office? No? Then he’s the head of the BCS. Get ready for the dadgum computers.

The GEICO Gecko

What’s that? It’s just a computer animation of a lizard and lizards don’t talk? No no, he’s so cute. He’s a cheap marketing gimmick on a soulless company that’s hell to deal with? No no, he’s so cute. He has a British accent for absolutely no reason, since there’s no geckos in Britain? No no, he’s so cute. Look. The whole point of a “point person” is that you put a face on these things and get people to hate them less. The BCS Gecko accomplishes that task. And he’s so cute.

Malcolm Gladwell

Yes, he seems to have declared football the human version of dogfighting, but he can still talk circles around you and me, which means that the usual inanities of the BCS will now seem lofty and well-thought out. Plus he’ll probably weave it into an advanced theory about predictive analytics or whatever and our eyes will gloss over before we realize the BCS is screwing college football over again.

Sir Elton John

Elton John Duck Suit
(Then again, he may be too much of an Oregon apologist.)

He may live in Atlanta these days, but he still probably doesn’t know much more than the first thing about college football - why would he? But Elton does make songs up on the fly, and if we’re going to have some old white guy try to explain to us why a Florida-Alabama rematch in the BCS title game is the best thing for football, he might as well make a catchy tune out of it, damn it.

Berzerker

Berzerker
(Hey, we found Bob Golic.)

Okay. All he would go is grab his own wrist and go “HUSS! HUSS!” over and over. He’d be even more unintelligible than his faithful manager, Mr. Fuji. It would be weird. Nonetheless, that is preferable to the current BCS situation.

If all else fails, Drunk Joe Namath

Because if we’re going to have a train wreck on our hands, we might as well all try to get laid first.