All English Premier League players immigrating from outside England must speak “basic-user standard” English, as covered in a new points-based immigration system for all migrant workers undertaken by Great Britain yesterday. Concerns about foreign labor taking jobs from the English have spurred the immigration rules changes.

Incoming workers must be able to express themselves in The Queen’s English “using familiar everyday expressions, and be able to discuss basic personal details”. We hope, for the sake of the players, they will be able to argue that the expressions should be job-specific. That will allow the migrant footballers to get by with such common phrases as:

• “Pass me the ball.”
• “Eat me, ref.”
• “Offside? Offside?!? Your mother was offside in my bed last night!”
• “No, seriously… pass me the ball.”
• “Did you swallow the whistle or do you always wheeze when you miss fouls?”
• “We gave 110% today. All for the team. I have always loved wherever it is I am right now. I love you all.”
• “I need more money.”
• “Would you feel more comfortable if you switched your referee’s garb for the opposing team’s kit? We have no objections if that makes life easier for you.”
• “I am not$#@*ing around. Pass me the #*#$*%$ed ball!”
• “Oh, dear God above, I have been shot! A sniper has taken me down with his wicked leaden blow! Please, one wish before I pass into the Great Beyond: may I take a penalty kick?”

Also, in this new points-based system, Derby County has been forced to join Morocco.

It’s awfully nice to see the Home Office working to protect English jobs, but we don’t quite understand how this will make the England National Team any good.  Maybe they can get the World Cup moved to London from South Africa and then ban everyone else from entering.

That ought to secure, what, second place against Wales?  A third-place match against Northern Ireland? We’ll leave it to the Home Office to suss it out.