Want to Impress People? Borrow Part of the Cubs!

Hey, skinny! Your portfolio is showing! Your pathetic $25-50 million in complicated financial transactions or ferreted away in Caribbean locales to avoid taxes doesn’t impress the women at North Avenue Beach in Chicago. They can’t see your rippling six-pack of bonds because of the Bonds-like six pack on the fellows around you.

Don’t you worry, though; Tom Ricketts can make you a new man, too, for fifteen years! The winner of the Chicago Cubs sweepstakes can’t quite bear the thought of 10% (or worse) interest on loans required to buy the team, so he’s reaching out to you to invest in the team for fifteen years.

John Henry, Linda Pizzuti, and Charles Atlas

(Sorry, Charles Atlas; ladies love cool John Henry)

You get to say you’re an owner, secure front row seats at Wrigley, claim face time with players who don’t know you from Don Rickles, and gather with other rich people who fall for the same gag share in the wealth of Cubs ownership to chat about the direction of the team.

You don’t get a vote, of course. You also have to give your ownership slice back after fifteen years and make zero money on the increased value of the team. Frankly, you’re an investment tourist gambling that the economy will blow through 2024. But rich socialite women go for your type; just ask Red Sox principal owner John Henry’s fiancĂ©e!

Also going for your type: overleveraged sellers who want to work the tax system in their favor, overleveraged buyers desperate for liquidity, and commissioners who made a career selling undercoating. You’ll be the world’s most perfectly invested man!

(Unless, of course, you wanted to make more money. Thankfully, people with wealth are always looking for ways to slough it off.)