Volleyball Players Turn to Tight Undies for Victory

Japanese men’s national team volleyball players come up a little short in the literal and figurative sense. They haven’t qualified for the Olympics in sixteen years and their centers are under six feet fall. Desperate times have led to desperate measures, so the Japanese have done what you would expect from that country to rectify the situation.

Captain Underpants

Naturally, they’ve turned to special underwear that is 20% lighter and will “correct the positioning of the pelvis” to allow them to jump up to one centimeter higher. Possibly. We haven’t seen proof. We suspect it’s just an excuse to reload the ol’ panty vending machines.

Sailor Moon

We are concerned about the state of Japanese sports journalism, though, when we hear this statement from one journalist unimpressed by bouncing baby boys in their new diapers:

“With the focus of modern volleyball all about techniques and strategy, guts, speed and counters are all well and good, but without height it’s hard to compete on a world level.”

Haven’t they received word yet about the quality of American grit? Karch Kiraly didn’t succeed because he was a gifted athlete with superior height and leaping ability; he was laden with grit. In fact, his bronzed tone came from covering himself with butter and brown sugar each morning before practice. True story.