Vicious Carpet Injuries Leave Lions With One QB

The Detroit Lions are doing their damndest to put last year’s 0-16 abortion of a season behind them, and who can blame them? They fired their coach and GM, redesigned their logo, drafted a franchise QB - in short, they’re trying to leave their culture of losing behind (kinda hard in a city like Detroit, but whatever). So, let’s check in and see how the new-look, facelifted Lions are doing. Unrecognizable from last year? Er…well…

(Daunte Culpepper, seen here being attacked by a mean Berber rug)

We’ll say one thing: QB (and bikini babe magnet) Matt Stafford sure is getting a heck of a lot of snaps in practice. That’s going to help his development down the road. So good on them. But, uh, where are the other QBs? No, really…WHERE DID THEY GO?!

They’re sitting on the sidelines, injured, actually. Stafford had to take every single snap at Lions practice yesterday, and coach Jim Schwartz is joking to the media about posting a want ad on Craigslist. Hey, uh, Lions? You best hope your golden boy is made of steel, or last year’s 0-16 campaign will look competent in comparison. Third-stringer Drew Stanton’s knees are swollen up like grapefruits. And Daunte Culpepper? He, uh, shredded his foot at home Saturday…on carpet. Seriously:

[Lions coach Jim] Schwartz said: “We need to wait and see what Daunte’s situation is. He hasn’t been ruled out for anything. Obviously he’s sore right now. But a lot of times, you get those disposable stitches, they can get desensitized pretty quickly.”

Culpepper declined to comment as he walked off the field after practice. He wore regular shoes and walked normally, though slowly. Schwartz said Culpepper “sort of stubbed” his foot on some carpet at home, tearing the skin near his middle toes.

“It wasn’t cut,” Schwartz said. “It stretched his foot, and it sort of tore up by the top where his toe is. They put a lot of stitches in…

Sure he did. And Jeff Kent broke himself washing a motorcycle. And Derrick Rose cut himself eating an apple in bed. Even if this is true, this means the Detroit Lions’ second-string quarterback can’t walk across his own living room without breaking open; they expect this guy to actually play football for them?

Schwartz also said that if neither Stanton nor Culpepper are healed before their next exhibition game, they might have to go out and sign someone to take a few snaps from Stafford. Hey, Schwartz: we’ve got just the guy for you:

Jeff George

A perfect fit with a winning organization like the Lions. Have fun, Lions fans!