VH1 Reality Show: NBA Biological Lottery Winners

VH1’s Basketball Wives reality show debuts on Sunday. Following the lives of actual wives of NBA players sounds like a colossal bore, but I’m happy to report that this show will be anything but that. Of the six cast members, exactly zero are married to current NBA players.

Basketball Wives On Vh1

(Quite a lineup Elgin assembled over the years)

Instead we get Jennifer Williams, who is married to former NBA journeyman Eric Williams. Shaunie O’Neal, who recently divorced Shaq. Suzie Ketcham, who is divorced from Michael Olowokandi. Gloria Govan, who is engaged to Matt Barnes and is the sister of Gilbert Arenas baby mama Laura Govan. And baby mamas Royce Reed (Dwight Howard) and Evelyn Lozada (Antoine Walker).

Dwight Howard Baby Mama Royce Reed Miami Super Bowl Party Photo

(Dwight Howard’s baby mama Royce Reed busts a move by the pool)

From their bios on the Vh1 site, none of the women are particularly attractive or have anything interesting going on in their lives. Or a job. (Until now!)

What we have here is the quintessential collection of retread groupies, which means the bios page of the women is an absolute comedy goldmine.

Shaq Shaunie O'Neal

As she’s the only woman in the cast who was ever formally connected to an NBA star - and allowed by law to mention his name in public - Shaunie O’Neal is the headliner of show. Taste of her bio:

A devoted mother of five, who began her career in film marketing, Shaunie’s goal with her series was to shed light on the complex lives of the women who stand beside these larger-than-life professional athletes and to show that it’s not all glitz and glamour.

Remember that last line as you keep reading.

First episode summary:

Fresh off her highly publicized filing for divorce from megastar basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal, Shaunie O’Neal returns to Miami for a night out with fellow basketball wives and girlfriends Evelyn Lozada, Jennifer Williams, Gloria Govan, and Royce Reed.

The women catch up and dish dirt over dinner and dancing as Shaunie and Gloria struggle to put recent drama behind them. Later, former Miami/Orlando dancer Royce gets out of control during a dance contest at a Terrell Owens/Ludacris pool party, creating a fresh internet scandal of her own and dragging Jen, Evelyn, and Miami social queen Suzie down with her. 

Megastars! Scandal! The Club! Pool Parties! Drama!

Yep, Shaunie and her pals sure sound like complex, devoted mothers and current girlfriends who, despite inexplicably being gifted a reality show, have absolutely no interest in a lifestyle of “glitz and glamour” .

If you read SbB, you already know the real star of this show will be Royce Reed, baby mama to Dwight Howard. Howard currently has a restraining order out on Reed that prevents her from mentioning his name on the show - or their child together.

As for Royce’s bio, we don’t even get her last name!

Recently she started her own Burlesque Dance Company Fantashique which travels all over Florida. The only thing more colorful than her Fantashique dance moves is her personality.

In the future, she looks forward to pursuing her acting career, finding a new man, and mixing with the rest of the basketball wives. Her hardest task with the other wives will be debunking the negative stereotype that the wives have against team dancers.

You also may remember the lovely Ms. Reed’s bootytalk at a Super Bowl party for the amusement of Terrell Owens and Ludacris - seen first right here on SbB:

Dwight Howard Baby Mama Royce Reed Miami Super Bowl Party Photo

Dwight Howard Baby Mama Royce Reed Miami Super Bowl Party Photo

Honestly, what does Dwight have against this woman?

I was the first to post those photos and video of Reed on the web, and knowing that shots of that scene will be seen on Basketball Wives, I’m starting to wonder if I got Kardashian’d. (Scene was staged for media coverage.)

More bios …

Jennifer Williams:

Jennifer Williams basketball wives

Her glitzy lifestyle extends into her professional life in being a high-end real estate agent and wildly successful business owner of the upscale women’s work out company Flirty Girl Fitness. Behind all the bling, however, Jennifer supports several charities and even founded Project Save the World to help fight several different causes.

Her mercurial relationship with hubby Eric shows the unique challenges and hard work it takes to be the wife of a professional basketball player.

So is Jennifer going to tell us about the unique challenges and hard work it takes to be the wife of a professional basketball player who hasn’t been in the The League since 2007?

Suzie Ketcham:

No party in Miami really begins until she arrives. Now, fresh off her break up, Suzie has her eyes set on her multiple charities, her amazing children, her luxury real estate agent ambitions, and of course, tackling the nightclub scene with her best group of basketball wives.

Sounds like Suzie might be a stretch in this cast of winners.

Suzie Ketcham Michael Olowokandi's Wife

Though she always has her rugged good looks to fall back on.

Evelyn Lozada:

Evelyn Lozada basketball wives

In addition to being a socialite that supports many charitable causes, Evelyn takes great pride in being a devoted mother and businesswoman. She is highly regarded as a fashionista and style trendsetter.

Gloria Govan:

Gloria Govan basketball wives

Her hardest task is fitting in with the rest of the women who are several years older and who constantly question her naïveté.

Who wouldn’t want to fit in with that group!

Govan is by far the most attractive of the six women. Sheer coincidence I’m sure that she’s the only cast member currently in a relationship with an active NBA player, Matt Barnes.

The sad part about this show is that these women could actually spin dozens of outrageous yarns chronicling their experiences as glorified groupies. Stories which likely include plenty of illegal and illicit behavior that would no doubt cramp the style of some current and former NBA ballers - and make mainstream media news.

But to satisfy Viacom legal, we’ll probably instead get a coached-up collection of warmed-over NBA jumpoffs stumbling into one manufactured scandal after another. And don’t forget the vignettes about their perishable business ventures and using charities as props to for self-promotion.

But if you watch the Kardashians show, you already know that reality isn’t even an afterthought in the genre.