News out of Binghamton, NY, home of the Fighting Kornheisers…
Bad blood spurted between two high school junior varsity girls’ soccer teams last weekend as Horseheads pounded the Vestal girls viciously and repeatedly, allegedly injuring six girls and sending one to the hospital.
Depending on whom you ask, Horseheads parents either cheered on their girls with their nicknames, such as “C’mon, Jewels!” or “Go get ‘em, Meggers!” or they unleashed a torrent of racial slurs on the teens for the entire match.
And where did all of this bile built up between the Lady Horseheads and the Vestal Virgins* secrete itself into the upstate New York soil? Dick Hoover Stadium.
God, we… we just… we love this country so much sometimes that our heart could just burst, y’know?
Better yet is the claim that the match seemed awfully rough for junior varsity teams. Cause, y’know, when they get to 16, all bets are off.
Or maybe it’s the timely near-tears of the Vestal superintendent, who could barely compose himself while thinking about the pain all of these young girls must be going through on both sides, and the response of the Horseheads’ superintendent, who claims the slurs happened and the refs were totally screwing Horseheads, too. More Meggers haters?
Who knows what really happened? After all, maybe there’s a reasonable explanation to shout, “Goddamned Meggers; you’re ruining this game!” or “Jewels killed Jesus!” (Or, you know, that never happened at all. However, we won’t be happy until someone backs over someone else with a car. That’s varsity soccer right there, kids. Do you want it or not?)
*Okay, they’re probably not the Vestal Virgins, but we’ll be damned if we’re passing up our once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a Vestal Virgins joke. Seriously, why would any self-respecting hate-filled parent waste their time on a lazy racial slur when they could make any number of “Vestal Virgins, my ass” or “guess which Horsehead will be in your bed tomorrow” jokes?