USA Defeats Russia and Their Traitor Point Guard

The USA men’s basketball team had been averaging 118 points in its first three exhibition games, in Sunday’s victory however the Americans only put up 103 points in their exhibition with Russia. Seventeen of those American points were actually scored on the Russian side thanks to traitor point guard J.R. Holden.

Dwayne Wade and JR Holden

Just like Becky Hammon, Holden is going for Olympic Gold as an American playing for the Russian National team. The native of Wilkinsburgh, PA has been playing in Europe since graduating from Bucknell in 1998, and in Russia as a member of CSKA Moscow for the last eight years. Holden, who is the first American to play for the Russian national team and can’t speak or read the language, reached superstar status in Russia when he drained the winning shot in the finals of Eurobasket 2007 against Spain to give his team (notice we didn’t say homeland) the championship.

JR Holden


One day about five years ago, Holden was watching the Russian national team practice when the team’s president asked the point guard if he would play for the former communist power, provided they secured him a passport.

Jokingly, Holden said yes. But before the next season, with a special nod from Russian president Vladimir Putin, Holden was taken to the passport office and given dual citizenship.

If a Russian guard were running the point for the USA, Putin might have given the playmaker a special nod as well, except that nod would be laced with traces of polonium 210. Save the radiation poisoning for someone else though, the USA doesn’t need imports to run the point, we’ve got Jason Kidd, Chris Paul and Deron Williams who combined for nine points and 11 assists (9 by Williams) in the 89-68 win.