Unamused, FBI Nails Karen Sypher For Extortion

We’re pretty sure that very few, if any, SbB readers are ever going to find themselves being questioned by the FBI. It takes a certain amount of intelligence, wisdom, and sayyyy you’re looking trim these days have you been working out? to truly appreciate all SbB has to offer, after all, and those are qualities not normally associated with those who find themselves under federal scrutiny. But if, for whatever reason, the FBI comes sniffing, follow one rule: don’t lie to the feds.

Karen Sypher With Attorney, Some Dude
(Like her statements to the FBI, those aren’t real.)

Unfortunately, it looks like would-be blackmailer Karen Sypher failed to receive such advice in a timely fashion, as according to the LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL, the FBI have just announced that they’re charging her with lying to an FBI AGENT and extortion of Rick Pitino. Whoops.

And if what they’re saying is true, it sounds like Sypher lied about really, really obvious details, which makes prosecuting her really, really easy:

The complaint, filed by FBI agent Steven J. Wight, said she lied to the FBI when she told investigators that she didn’t know the identity of the person who was making threatening phone calls to Pitino.

So, just to recap: Sypher’s story was that Pitino received multiple voicemails relating to secrets involving her and making obscene demands, but she herself had no idea who would be doing that. Don’t ponder it very hard; you’ll go cross-eyed.

If you’re still starving for details on the nature of Sypher’s dirty little secret, it’s best to give that up. According to her attorney, she’s not filing a counter-claim against Pitino, which would be a smart thing to do if her claims had any merit. Moreover, this from the Courier-Journal:

News organizations, including The Courier-Journal, have interviewed Karen Sypher but elected not to report the nature of her allegations because they could not be corroborated and because she didn’t make any complaints to police.

So yeah. Newspapers, desperate for anything that’ll sell copy in a failing market, won’t even touch the words out of her mouth on account of, basically, “she’s full of crap.” Really, she may as well have accused him of sending aliens after her then chopping off her favorite unicorn’s head with a light saber.

At this point, it’s probably going to take an extraordinary amount of charity from Pitino and the FBI - two particularly humorless entities - for Sypher to not spend a long, long time in prison for this stunt (if you consider felonies “stunts,” anyway).

Considering WKYT’s accounting of the expansive nature of her demands, though - first it was college tuition for her two kids, two cars, her house paid off, and $3,000 a month (which, frankly, we’d even blow Pitino for), then she decided it’d better be $10 million instead (for that, we’d also swallow) - we don’t expect the FBI or Pitino to be in very forgiving moods.