U of Florida Asking For Bailout From Athletic Dept.

The next time somebody complains about the obscene amounts of money put into a large Division I athletic program amid these tough economic times, remember, citizens, that it is your duty as a fan to encourage them to kindly take such a complaint and forcefully insert it into a bodily orifice of your choosing. Choose creatively, though; people remember the first time they’re told to f*** themselves in the ear. The reality is that at these institutions, the athletic department is a self-supporting, highly profitable wing of the university that routinely pours money back into the school on a net basis, not the other way around. It’s delightful fun to tell an English T.A. that the athletic department pays its own bills, and their department might want to try that sometime. It’d be best if you don’t like them in the first place, otherwise the room gets chilly. But I digress.

Tim Tebow Heisman baby pose
(Tebow also plans to raise money by selling this baby.)

The University of Florida, like everything on the entire planet, is facing a dramatic economic shortfall right now, and one of the plans involves cutting well over 700 jobs and shutting down several academic problems. But over there in the athletic wing, the Gators are swimming in their own Scrooge McDuck money pit, delirious with joy over the attention and revenue that accompanies a national title and a returning Heisman Trophy winner in Tim Tebow (maybe you’ve heard of him). One half of the school’s bleeding money, the other half’s printing it. Hmmm…


Amid serious budget issues, the University of Florida is turning to its athletics department for help. The school’s latest budget proposal for the 2009-10 season is asking the University Athletic Association, a self-sufficient marketing arm, for a cool $6 million, the Sentinel has learned.

Giving back to the university is nothing new for the UAA, which has dished out $48.6 million to fund academic endeavors since 1990. But this year’s total more than doubles the $2.56-million average per year in an effort to help soften the blow of the economic crisis.

This move is pretty much a no-brainer; there’s a significantly diminishing rate of return on investment when you start getting up in the higher amounts of profit. Does Florida put another $100k in Urban Meyer’s already swollen pockets (I mean, c’mon; he’s not going anywhere, and certainly not over money), or retain a professor and two assistants? Exactly.

That’s not to say that the athletic department had that much in cash just sitting around; their investment will come only after cutbacks of their own, after which athletic director Jeremy Foley (who up until now, must have had the easiest job on the goddamn planet) will present a budget and donation proposal to the school. Perhaps the school can finally stop paying Thom Brennaman whatever it takes to make a grown man get so verbally fellatious over Tebow.

(Terrorist fist jab: Holly at DOC SATURDAY)