• Police have put the cuffs on the pyromaniacal perpetrators who messed up Donovan McNabb’s suburban Phoenix lawn.

(Criminal masterminds Rex Perkins [L] & Ryan Hanlon [R])

• Notre Dame denies the rumors that they want to grab Jon Gruden.

• First Sir Charles, and now the D-Backs mascot. Guys, just call a cab.

• This parrot has ceased to be … a spectator at an English soccer game, because he kept impersonating the ref’s whistle.

• He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother - especially when you’re Mark McGwire’s bodybuilding sibling, and you’re throwing the ex-slugger under the bus in a new book describing his steroid use.

• Jeff Kent calls it a career, now has more time to bash gays & Vin Scully.

• Even L.A.’s own newspapers aren’t bothering to cover Clippers home games anymore.

• A hottie high school athletic trainer is caught canoodling with an underage student. Did we mention that she’s kind of hot?

• And the winner of today’s king-size kangaroo caption contest is…

Mark, as we toast his clever contribution: Woman jumped in Australia by local bar hoppers.

Thanks for playing. A new contest will be hopping your way tomorrow.