Want to polish up the turd that has been your celebrity “career”? Give yourself a little more exposure and perhaps remind people of your manliness? Why, become a sports star as well! You’ll reek of testosterone and those rubes in the sticks will throw cash at you while women whip their tops off. Absolutely true. Never fails.
Except, of course, for this weekend’s lessons in abject sports failure by celebrities hanging onto the public consciousness by a hangnail. Read about them now and forget about them again until they find a more embarrassing way to remind you they’re still around.
First, Todd Bridges (celebrity boxer, celebrity skater, celebrity wrestler, and possibly actor) chose to launch a pro wrestling career at 43 last night in a San Francisco venue that may soon lose its liquor license for “running a disorderly house injurious to the public welfare and morals”. Clearly, the liquor board heard about the Bridges wrestling thing.
We didn’t find any results for the match this morning on ESPN, but we feel it’s safe to assume he’s not dead again. Look for “Mr. Not So Perfect” (yes, that’s his stage name) in his next match against a homeless guy for one of the digital converter box coupons the government’s giving out.
Switching continents but not levels of pathos, chef Gordon Ramsay has been claiming for years that he played three games for the famed football franchise Glasgow Rangers before turning to the kitchen as his preferred venue to dole out abuse.
However, someone finally decided to check the matter and found out Ramsay never played for the big league side. He played in one tryout-style game and was sent home. So much for “signing things like pillow cases and the side of prams” like he claimed in his autobiography. That’s what happens when you hire Sir Charles’ ghostwriter.
It’s bad enough when folks that never achieved their dreams gussy up their athletic résumé to impress the platinum blonde at the bar, but at least everyone knows some level of lying’s about to take place. If you’ve been wildly successful in a field, though, isn’t that enough? Do we need to know about how you invented the ceiling fan?
So again, thank you to Todd Bridges and Gordon Ramsay for trying to stay relevant and seem more impressive through sports. Best of luck to both of you in thinking of new ways to keep us looking at you. May we suggest a kitchen knife duel at this little place we know in San Francisco?