Tim McCarver Does Not Pass Go, Loses $1 Million

If you saw the recent Casino Royale - so much better than Quantum of Solace - this story will sound eerily familiar: A broker (possibly with an eye that cries blood) takes his client’s money and invests it in a few high-risk ventures, despite his client urging him to “keep it conservative”. The risks don’t exactly go as planned, and he loses a vast portion of his client’s money. In this case, however, instead of a machete-wielding African mercenary, the client in question is everyone’s favorite World Series announcer, Tim McCarver.

Tim McCarver, Monopoly Guy

(Ruh Roh!)

A decent sum of money it was, too; McCarver reportedly lost about a cool million bucks on poor investments. And now he’s taking his broker, Morgan Keegan & Co., to court for “allegedly misleading him on just where his money was invested.” Even better, McCarver’s lawyer, Dale Ledbetter, is using the old Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer defense.

From the NY POST:

“He was told his investments - made with money he was setting aside for his children and retirement - were tantamount to buying CDs and [safe] bonds,” Ledbetter said.

Instead, Ledbetter said, “the funds were invested in the worst of the worst. When similar products went down 4 percent, 5 percent or 6 percent, these bonds went down 70 percent to 90 percent.

“Tim was very conservative with his money because he grew up not having any,” Ledbetter told The Post.

“His dad was a policeman in Memphis and I knew his dad. Tim didn’t earn much in his early career playing baseball.”

Amazingly enough, SbB has obtained an exclusive courtroom transcript of the defense’s argument, one that you should even more amazing since it hasn’t even happened yet! (You can thank Amanda Beard’s nude photos for funding our official SbB time machine.)

LEDBETTER: “Your honor. When I watch a baseball game on television, I think ‘What is this magic box that allows me to see events occurring halfway across the country? Is the sorcery contained within the work of the Devil? And can they look at me as well? And the voices speaking to me, are they God?’ I don’t know. Because I’m a caveman — that’s the way I think.

What I DO know, however, is that my client Mr. McCarver is a salt of the earth, old fashioned guy who doesn’t understand complex concepts like ‘banks’ or ‘money’. After all, who does? Which is why he should get his money back from these smarmy investment bankers. Thank you. The defense rests.”

And with that, Ledbetter will play a compilation videotape of his client announcing the past few World Series, showing the court once and for all how little McCarver knows about anything. Anything at all.