Tiger Woods Wins Open Named After Lousy Cars

This year’s Buick Open, which is sponsored by one of the lamest car brands on the planet and which needed to be given unholy amounts of money just in order to stay in existence, was won by Tiger Woods over a group of golfers that nobody has ever heard of.

Tiger Uppercut
(Tiger, seen here hitting a ball so hard it exploded.)

The Open was held at Warwick Hills, a golf course that’s so special the tournament’s never coming back. Woods was faced with the Herculean task of holding off such vaunted players as Roland Thatcher, Greg Chalmers, and Crotcho Stankfungus. Amazingly, only the last name is made up.

Woods was so overcome with joy boredom that he didn’t even bother making sense. Seriously:

“I was so far back that I was fortunate enough to put two good rounds together,” he said.

That’s just random words jammed together.

Woods ended up shooting -20, which is always a good sign that your course is challenging. He came back from 95th place after a Thursday where he only shot -1. So, math majors, that means that 94 people shot -2 or better in the first round. Hell of a course, really. Right up there with St. Andrews and Bethpage Black.

And now, a highlight of Tiger’s main competition:

Yeah, we don’t really have broadcast rights from the PGA, but trust us - that was more interesting than this tournament. Nobody cares about the Buick Open.