Tiger Woods Is Completely Freaking Unbeatable

Like every other sports blogger in the known universe, I am childless. Should I ever have a son, though, I will have three ironclad rules for him: 1) Never hit a lady, 2) always wear your seatbelt, and 3) never ever ever engage Tiger Woods in any sort of bet or competition, because he will beat the daylights out of you 100% of the time.

fred couples
(Also as part of the bet, Fred had to eat his entire golf bag. Here he struggles with a tee.)

Today’s evidence comes from Fred Couples, one of the greatest golfers of all time. Couples is a two-time PGA player of the year and was putting his name on golf video games while Tiger was still an amateur. But now, he’s just another stuffed head in Tiger’s den, dropping eight C-notes to the man in last year’s Target World Challenge. As Couples told GOLF DIGEST:

Last year, I bet him (at the Target World Challenge). I took two shots from him the first day and said, ‘I’ll play you for $200.’ I think he shot 67 and I probably shot 74. So he said, ‘Just keep it. What do you want tomorrow?’ I said, ‘Two shots.’ He beat me again. The third day, he beat me again. The last day, he gave me four shots and said I’ll give you a break-even bet. I was so nervous. He beat me; I gave his wife $800; he snatched it out of her hands so quickly — “That’s my money.”

Repeated for emphasis: Tiger will always, always beat you. He has never lost to another golfer in the final pairing with him on Sunday. He played in six tournaments last season on a bad knee, won four of them, and still finished second on the money list despite taking the entire second half of the season off (presumably to swim in his Scrooge McDuck money bin). I mean come on, when was the last time someone finished in the top 2 (or 3? 5? 10? 20?) of the money list without playing enough rounds to qualify for the statistical leaders? This is unfair.

Woods, like all great competitors before him (and by that I mean Michael Jordan and, uh, Art Schlichter) likes to gamble. But really, you can’t call it gambling if he never loses. That’s just plain larceny. You want to know how the money keeps flowing out of the economy? Tiger keeps winning it.

Seriously, would someone please beat Tiger at something, anything? Even the Tiger Woods video game? Bill Simmons, you got this? Conan O’Brien? No? Damn it.