Pardon the personal question, but what’s your job? Actually, the answer doesn’t matter, because your job sucks, and sucks hard. At least, next to “professional golfer,” it sucks. Where else could somebody collect $65,000 for not being able to do a weekend’s worth of work? That’s what’s happening with Lord Of The Universe Tiger Woods, who will be missing this week’s Mercedes-Benz Championship at Kapalua but still making bank from it anyway.

(Like the money, Tiger didn’t need these biceps, but if having them makes you feel worse about yourself, then so be it.)

So why does Tiger have $65K more upon which to sleep and enjoy the company of his incredibly hot wife? Well, it’s actually the rule, since the MBC is a winners-only event. Confused? Yes. Let GOLFWEEK explain:

According to PGA Tour regulations, any player who qualifies for an official money event without a cut or an alternate list, but is unable to play because of injury, will receive last-place, unofficial money.

Yes, even last place for one event at Kapalua nets you more than the average American salary. Just pointing that out while you watch your 401(k) burst into flames and burn a hole straight to the center of the earth.

Oh well, it’s the first tourney of the season, it’s winners-only, and it’s loaded with cash, so certainly it must be fun to watch and filled with the rest of the top stars. Sergio Garcia, Phil Mickelson, and Padraig Harrington are the next three players after Tiger in the rankings, so seeing them play in this… wait… oh, God, no:

None of the world’s top four players will be participating in the PGA Tour’s season-opening Mercedes-Benz Championship in Maui, Hawaii.

Tiger Woods, Sergio Garcia, Phil Mickelson and Padraig Harrington will all be absent for the January 8-11 tournament at the Kapalua Resort’s Plantation Course, according to ESPN.

In the tournament’s defense, those four are the only ones who’ll be missing the event, so there are 33 other players present to kick off the season, and everyone loves Vijay! We’re sure you won’t mind. If the four #1 seeds in this season’s March Madness decided to skip it, we’re sure that wouldn’t in any way affect viewership. No, the PGA is not a complete hell-roasted joke these days. Absolutely not.