This Can’t End Well: Haywood Calls Starbury Gay

Back when he was at UNC around the turn of the century, we figured Brendan Haywood would be a high lottery pick and beast in the NBA; muscled, legit 7-footers don’t just appear out of nowhere, after all. But Haywood slipped to 20th, even though he had the talent to stick in the league for, now, eight years and counting

Brendan Haywood Stephon Marbury
(Playing with balls GET IT PEOPLE BALLS IT’S A PUN A PLAY ON WORDS)

Perhaps it’s because Haywood’s mouth has been more of a liability than anything else on the court; his beasting has been largely focused on fellow players, sometimes even teammates. He had a long-standing, often physical feud with fellow Washington center Etan Thomas, who’s one of the most erudite members of the entire league. And now he’s on the offensive toward Stephon Marbury… with a heavy emphasis on “offensive.”

Per SPORTS RADIO INTERVIEWS, Haywood sees Starbury’s bizarre “lifecasting” and can come up with only one reasonable conclusion - he must like manballs in his mouth*:

“At first it was cool, but after a while it just became disturbing.  He’s on YouTube crying with no shirt on for no reason, sweating while his boy’s rubbing his shoulders.  What’s that about?  That’s like gay porn.  I don’t understand it.  He’s dancing to a song called ‘Barbie Doll’, doing like stripper moves.  I have no idea what’s going on with the guy, it’s almost like he’s trying to end his own career.  There’s not a GM out there that would touch Marbury right now… Have you seen the ‘Barbie Doll’ clip?  Click on YouTube and go to Barbie Doll.  There’s no way any other professional athletes would wanna get dressed around this guy, because you gotta think something is a little, he’s swinging from both sides of the fence.”

Aw, c’mon, man. Don’t flatter yourselves. If Marbury’s really down for all that, he could probably do better than a bunch of scared-ass teammates.

Where do people even get this idea, anyway? Is there some epidemic of gay locker room rape that’s going completely unnoticed by everybody but the most vigilant of heterosexual men? What the hell?

Moreover, Haywood makes the unforgivable mistake of believing something he sees on YouTube. On the very video he’s talking about, the info on the video states - twice - that “Barbie Girl” isn’t the original song Marbury was dancing to; it was added after the fact. Dubbed, if you will.

Now, whether Marbury should have been dancing to anything live on the Internet is certainly up for debate; we’re going to say “no he should not have” and leave it pretty much at that. At the very least, he should have waited until he got a new NBA contract signed.

And look. Marbury’s behavior has been aberrant at best, and it may very well end up having the effect that he doesn’t get another job in the league. Casually questioning his sexuality based on actions that were merely weird - not sexual - does nothing to help (pardon the expression) get to the bottom of what to take from the “Starbury TV” experience.

*Do gay people even like that? We don’t even know.