There Goes Brock Lesnar, Playing The Race Card

As multi-sport athletes go, perhaps few have been as prolific - even if just on the fringes - as Brock Lesnar, the Minnesotan Man-Mountain. He got his start as a truly fearsome heavyweight wrestler in college before participating in, at varying times, MMA, the WWE, and even training camp with the Vikings as a defensive tackle.

Brock Lesnar
(We would make jokes aboot the whole “yeah boot Minnesoota” thing, boot we can’t shake the feeling that he’s standing right behind us.)

Clearly, lots of credit needs to be given to his physique; who else can claim such a varied career in sports at such a young age? And to be fair, Lesnar does give plenty of credit to said physique, although we’re beginning to wonder if maybe the credit’s getting a little bit misdirected.

As the MINNEAPOLIS STAR-TRIBUNE reports, Lesnar doesn’t credit his parents for, y’know, all the genetic coding that makes him who he is and dictates his ability to put on muscle. No, that’s Jesus’ territory:

“I bet you I’ve taken over 60 steroid tests. In college, I had 15 random drug tests in two years. I’ve taken drug tests for the NFL, the WWE, the UFC. I must be pretty good at masking steroids. God gave me this body: Are you jealous of it or what? Give me a break.

Sir, we can tell you unequivocally, yes, we are jealous. Absolutely, yes.

“I got the genetics of–not to get into racism or anything–but I’m built like a black man. Would you say so?”

No, we would say you have the genetics of your parents. That is how genetics work.

But you know what? Fine. Let’s run with this. Brock Lesnar self-identifies as a black man, evidently, despite some rather glaring evidence to the contrary. Well, and we realize this is a major league stretch, Barack Obama also self-identifies as a black man, even as he’s of mixed heritage. No, he’s not 100% Scandinavian or anything, but, just work with us here. What do you say, Brock? Can we call you Brock Obama? Do you like the Obama?

[Lesnar noted] that he owned four homes (one in western Hennepin County), a private plane, two Hummers and a Mercedes. Asked whether he has saved for retirement, he responded: “That’s private. But if Obama keeps spending our money like this, I’ll have to fight till I’m 50.”

First of all, bullhonky. Second, that’s clearly a “no,” since anyone who’s got a good retirement plan even in its infancy can’t wait to tell you about it, even if it has no bearing on the conversation as a whole. We’ve all been at cocktail parties where something like this went down:

Guy 1: “So then, Springsteen comes out for the encore, and he immedia–
Guy 2: “Just diversified my 401(k)!”
Guy 3: “…what? That’s great, Steve, but–”
Guy 2: “Money market!”

Although, we must give Lesnar credit here. Just because he’s an albino black man doesn’t mean he automatically likes the first black President. After all, that’d just be racist.