The World Is A Urinal To Two New Orleans Saints

One benefit to late nights and early mornings in the grasp of excessive intoxication is the simplicity it bestows on the world. Whereas a sober person can look out the window and see hundreds if not thousands of different things, a drunk man sees an array of urinals, foodstuffs, curios, and targets. You can do one of only four things to something you see, really: mark your territory on it, eat it, steal it, or hit it (whether with a fist, foot, or foreign object). At further levels of intoxication, by the way, the entire world turns into a bed, but we’re getting off topic here. Re-focus.

Ealy Kolomona
(Our two drunken Don Juans, in happier times.)

Of the four drunkman activities, though, the worst idea is probably peeing wherever you feel like it. Sure enough, according to WWL TV, two Saints players are in trouble with the law (and most likely their parents, who we’d hope would never have taught them this kind of behavior) after being arrested for obscenity, lewd conduct, and disorderly conduct. That sounds moderately interesting, but it’s just legalese for the infinitely more entertaining “pull out your hog and piss on a parking lot, then sexually harass some chicks”:

According to John Fortunato, a spokesman for the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office, wide receiver Biren Ealy and tight end Kolomona Kapanui were urinating in the parking lot of the Palmetto Creek apartments around 1:30 a.m. Sunday.

Okay, this is technically a crime, but one with a higher incidence of success than, like, jaywalking. Men looking to urinate in public (if they’re, say, walking home from a bar) turn into superninjas when it comes to finding an innocuous spot to relieve themselves, lest they incur a policeman’s wrath and bring a most unsatisfactory end to the night of revelry. But do go on, gentlemen, because you’re not even close to done making fools of yourselves:

Two women drove up to the two players and told them to stop, Fortunato said. Ealy, 24, then turned around, exposing himself in the process, and began making lewd comments, Fortunato said.

After that Kapanui, 25, turned around and exposed himself as well; Fortunato said he was “fondling himself” and was making lewd comments.

Oh dear. At this point, it’s a dead certainty that alcohol was involved, to say nothing of the type of self-delusion necessary to think that such behavior would end the way the two men wanted (which, considering they’re strokin’ it, is probably sexual congress with the women). I mean, porn movies use the flimsiest, most transparent excuses to get two characters in the sack with each other, and we’ve still never seen - errrrr, heard of from other people - a skin flick advertising “whizzing in a parking lot” as an avenue to sexual release.

The two players were quickly arrested and probably don’t have much a future with the team, a diagnosis bolstered by the fact that they weren’t terribly good players to begin with: Ealy has one catch in four games during his two-year career, and Kapanui’s never made it onto the field in his own two seasons of play. On the flip side, though, they’ve got one hell of a story to tell their grandchildren.