The Sex Cannon Has Come Back To Kill Chicago

You know, as a Chicagoan and a White Sox fan, I’ve always found it rather funny that some Cubs fans think their team is cursed instead of admitting they just haven’t been that good for 100 years.  This morning I’m wondering if those Cubs fans may be on to something.   It would seem that the Chicago Bears are cursed when it comes to their quarterbacks.   Just when the team and the city thought they’d found their man — he came from the cornfields of Iowa, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, a football in the other, and a fondness for neckbeards — it was all taken away on a Sunday afternoon.

Kyle Orton suffered a high ankle sprain during the first half of the Bears eventual victory over the Detroit Lions, and that can only mean one thing.   He’s back.   Yes, the Sex Cannon himself, Rex Grossman, will once again be lining up under center to throw back-breaking interceptions and fumble a snap near you.


“I never figured I wouldn’t play at all,” Grossman said. “Odds are, at least two quarterbacks play some—especially here in Chicago.”

Well, I’m glad to see that you think it’s funny, Rex.

Now, before you start with the “But Rex led the Bears to a comeback victory yesterday,” know that I’m aware of this fact.  Also know that I’m aware of the fact he made this spectacular comeback against the Detroit Lions.  You know, the now 0-8 Detroit Lions?   I also know that Rex looked absolutely horrible on over half his passes, completing just 9 of 19 attempts for 58 yards, a touchdown, and an interception.

The truth is, Matt Forte and the defense won the game for the Bears yesterday, not the Sex Cannon.  As for Orton, even if it is only a high ankle sprain — there’s an MRI scheduled for today — he’s going to miss at least a month of time.  Which means that the Sex Cannon will be playing quarterback during the toughest stretch on the Bears schedule as they prepare to take on the undefeated Tennessee Titans, the Green Bay Packers, the Minnesota Vikings, and even the St. Louis Rams look a lot tougher now.

The playoffs have never looked so far away.