The Raptors Would Rather Be Pinched Than Celtic

Apparently, the Toronto Raptors’ players just don’t appreciate what David Stern does every day to feed and clothe them.  He works his fingers to the bone to provide for all his players, big and small.  And do you hear him complain? No. He does it out of love. And how do the Raptors pay him back?

Toronto Raptors and their green jerseys

They complain about the way he’s clothing them.   “Waaah… we don’t want to dress like the Celtics just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day.  We’re our own team.  We’re all, ‘Grr!  We’re raptors!  We’re mean and we eat lawyers and stuff!’”

Look, Commisioner Stern means the best for you.  If that means wearing the 87th alternate jersey of the season to make more money for YOUR salary cap (but mostly for the owners), you’ll do it!

Besides, the Raptors are 6.5 games out of the final playoff spot in the East.  Maybe they should consider masquerading as another team for awhile and see if they can slip into the playoffs.

The Lakers aren’t too thrilled about the shamrock appearing on their warmups, either, but what can you do?  Maybe they should work on the positives instead of dragging down St. Patrick’s Day.  After all, who’s to say we couldn’t lift up the day for sailors in honor of the Lakers?  Now who’s the patron saint for sailors…

St. Elmo's firing from 25 ft.

Oh. Never mind.  Maybe we should just embrace the day like Raptors guard Jason Kapono and order three:  “Shamrocks and shenanigans. … All we need now is a couple of pints of Guinness in the water bottles. Just don’t let the fans know.” shh. Mum’s the word.