The Man Is Against Squirt Guns And Naked Teens

Seniors in high school are facing the last few months of life as a worthless teenager held down by the shackles of parental oppression. After they graduate from high school, they will move on to a life of being a worthless adult held down by the shackles of The Man and the banality of this existence that we call life. Of course, at this time the student’s are also finding themselves suffering from a sort of cabin fever. There’s a whole world out there waiting for them, yet for a few more weeks they’re stuck listening to Mr. Stuckey yammer on about the importance of the Periodic Table of Elements.

Don’t rob these young Ohians of their boyhood dreams

So these students must find ways to set themselves free, and for many of them across the country, particularly Ohio, they’ve resorted to the game of Senior Tag. Basically Senior Tag is a game were students align themselves into teams and then run around town shooting each other with squirt guns. It’s all good, wholesome fun except in some cases. Turns out the police in Ohio aren’t big fans of the rule that says a player can’t be eliminated if they’re naked.


Dublin police arrested a 17-year-old Dublin Coffman student Tuesday afternoon when he was spotted running naked between houses on Monterey Drive.

In Senior Tag, teenagers stalk and chase one another around town, aiming to hit opponents with water from squirt guns. The last man standing wins. The game typically lasts for weeks.

“As long as they are not breaking the law, we don’t have a problem with it,” Dublin Lt. Heinz von Eckartsberg said.

The Coffman student was charged with disorderly conduct. But, with no prior arrests, he’ll likely serve only community-service time through the city’s diversion program, said von Eckartsberg.

Other students who were playing the game in the area weren’t taken in, von Eckartsberg said, because “they weren’t naked.”

Why am I not surprised that the guy keeping people from having any fun is named Heinz von Eckartsberg?

This is a lot different tradition than the one my senior class chose to uphold in high school.  We didn’t run around shooting each other with squirt guns as much as we just ditched class and drank beer in our friends’ backyards, but those were different times then, I guess.

The kids these days, with the video games and the MTV - they need instant gratification. Drunken, sloppy makeout sessions with your lab partner just don’t do it for them anymore. They need the gratuitous nudity to quench their carnal thirst, and internet porn just isn’t good enough for them anymore. They’re adults now, dammit!

So shame on The Man for holding these evolving teens down. By not letting them run around naked, they’re robbing hundreds of nerds of their first opportunity to see real live boob action. Though I guess considering that this is Ohio we’re talking about, the police may be doing them a favor.