The Livest Blog: Dallas at New Orleans - Game 1

The Skinny on the Hornets:  They used to be in Charlotte, then they moved to New Orleans.  New Orleans got decimated by that one storm, so then they had to hang out in Oklahoma City for a while (paving the way for the Sonics move).  Somewhere along the line they got really good at basketball this year.  No one is quite sure how that happened.

maverick and hornet

The Skinny on the Mavericks:  For years, the Mavs were a laughing stock but Mark Cuban decided to become eccentric and purchase an NBA team.  After that the Mavericks became really fun and really good.  Then they hired Avery Johnson and became a great team but they’ve also became tedious and boring.  After last year’s embarrassment at the hands of the Golden State Warriors, they’ve looked lost this year.  But now, they’re ready to rock and roll.  Metaphorically.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s have some liveblog fun, eh?

The Lineups

New Orleans:

  • G-Chris Paul
  • G-Morris Peterson
  • F-Peja Stojakovic
  • F-David West
  • C-Tyson Chandler

Dallas:

  • G-Jason Kidd
  • G-Jerry Stackhouse
  • F-Josh Howard
  • F-Dirk Nowitzki
  • C-Erick Dampier

Pre-Game

  • My main concern thus far is if it’s spelled “liveblog” or “live blog.”  I’ll probably use both.
  • Mark Jones should have been a little more prepared.  Extreme teleprompter action.
  • Most impressive of the day:  That LeBron oop, the entire Suns-Spurs game, or Tim Duncan making his first three of the year to send the game to double OT?
  • Why is Pete Maravich’s jersey retired in New Orleans?  Is it retired for the Jazz in Utah as well?
  • Just an FYI, the fiancee says this game is bound to be interesting because Dirk Nowitzki is in it.  Plus she could do Lisa Salters job.

1st Quarter

  • 11:45 - Dirk at the elbow. Automatic.
  • 11:10 - Dirk at the elbow. Automatic.
  • 10:46 - Peja airballs are pretty rare.  Enjoy them while they last, Dallas.
  • New Orleans looks rattled.  That’s not surprising given that’s it’s a lot of these guys’ first post-season experience.  You would expect Peja to be cool as ice though.
  • 10:00 - Dirk misses first free-throw.  Free-throws win games.
  • Mike Tirico - “Zoolander is one of the worst movies, EVER.”  He’s so wrong.
  • I’d have to imagine that Chris Paul to Tyson Chandler is this year’s most successful alley-oop tandem.
  • I remember my mom telling me that I couldn’t wear tall socks or a headband if I wasn’t going to be one of the best players on the court.  Erick Dampier’s mom obviously never told him that.
  • 7:33 - Dirk misses a three.  At least he’s shooting them again.  The assimilation of Dirk Nowitzki is no fun for me.
  • 6:52 - 9-6 Dallas.  This looks like a Sweet 16 NCAA tournament game so far.  This is not why I love the NBA.
  • 6:35 - David “The 17-Foot Assassin” West makes his first 17-foot jumper settling the debate over whether he is a 17-foot tall assassin or just good at 17-foot jumpers.
  • Chris Paul is getting to the rim, but not finishing.  That’s going to need to change for the Hornets to win.
  • Taco Bell commercial - I, for one, would not want my lady to smell like bacon.  Maybe if I wore more hair gel I’d feel differently.
  • Not surprisingly, the Hornets are better when they aren’t displaced by a massively destructive hurricane.
  • The fiancee on Chris Paul, “Never trust a man with two first names.”  It should be noted that I kinda have two first names.
  • Kidd keeps pushing the ball but the Mavs aren’t getting shots.  They need to run with more than 3 guys.
  • 3:58 - 14-11 DAL - Jannero Pargo and Brandon Bass check in.  And Pargo immediately shoots.  You’ve now lived The Jannero Pargo Experience.
  • Since there’s a break in the action, enjoy this Hornets legend:

    kelly tripucka

  • Do you think Shaq and Kobe knew they were going to be paired together for their “There Can Only Be One” commercial?

  • If a spontaneous fight happens, I’m picking Brandon Bass to win.

  • 1:40 - 20-13 DAL - More pointless running for the Mavericks.  It causes more problems than it’s worth.  The offense is so much smoother when Kidd breaks down the defense and finds open guys.

  • I was lead to believe that Chris Paul would have 20 assists by now.

  • 2.8 24-17 DAL - Blocking foul on Hilton Armstrong, who thinks it was a charge.  You’re not getting that call ever, Hilton Armstrong.  If that’s even your real name.

  • AWESOME.  That was like the professional version of the Brice Drew shot.  Way sexier.

  • In honor of fellow drug abuser Chris Anderson, here’s Mavericks legend Roy Tarpley:

    roy tarpley

  • Other things I’ll unneccesarily rank: commenter’s names.  First: jerryshortbuss.  Last: tuffy.

2nd Quarter 26-19 DAL

  • Jannero Pargo wants to grow up to be Bobby Jackson.

  • Eddie Jones still plays?  There’s no way he’s still on Team Jordan.

  • And Juwan Howard is in?  Is this Little League?  Everyone doesn’t have to play, Avery.

  • Does the Fleur De Lis mean that every Hornet is in the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority?

  • Josh Howard looks like Charlie Murphy if you shaved all the hair off his head.

  • 9:40 - 28-22 DAL - Tirico calls out Bonzi for playing well because he’s in a contract year and he’s totally right.

  • Brandon Bass and Jason Maxiell are analogous.

  • 8:17 30-27 DAL - Big three by David Schwimmer.

  • I think it’s impressive that the Alien franchise has been using the same tagline for years.

  • Apparently quitting smoking makes you retarded.

  • Bass ranking: 1. Chilean Striped 2. Brandon 3. Large-mouth 4. Small-mouth 98799. Lance

  • That’s either Will.i.am or Kimbo  Slice behind George Shinn.  Both are unlikely.

  • Sorry, Hubie Brown, but after this year’s Bulls fiasco you can’t count on young guys getting better together.

  • Didn’t Devean George get traded to the Nets?  Oh……

  • At this rate, Avery is going to play Sean Bradley and Wang Zhi Zhi.

  • HUGE PEJA STOJAKOVIC HEAD.  TERRIFYING!

  • 5:38 - 38-30 DAL.  Last two minutes of this half and first two of next half is going to decide the game.

  • About the Kevin Durant commercial: If David Stern could pull some strings to get an Oklahoma City jersey under the Sonics one, that’d be cold as ice but really funny.

  • NOW it’s 38-30.  I need to schedule an eye exam.

  • Byron Scott  might have the premier mustache in the NBA.

  • David West is just making it up as he goes along.  It’s the Antawn Jamison strategy.

  • From the fiancee, “Do we know anything about Dirk Nowtizki?  Does he get along with the team?  He looks like he’d be an outcast.”  Aside from this picture, I’m not sure if he hangs out with NBA players.

  • More Mavericks legends:

  • Dirk kind of looks like the Snow Miser.

  • Ryan Bowen?  This game has to be a joke.

  • 1:29 46-46 DAL - Pay attention to the last minute and a half.  New Orleans needs to cut in to this lead before half.

  • Allowing Jason Kidd to make threes is not the way to do that lead-cutting.

  • New Orleans getting killed on the offensive glass is a bit of a surprise.  As is their non-existent perimeter defense.

  • At the half, it’s 52-40 Dallas.  Way to close, New Orleans.  I’m going to stretch out.  Maybe eat some Craisins, then we’ll be back to rip on the halftime show.

Halftime

  • From the lady, waking up from a Vicodin-induced nap: “I was going to ask you guys a real creepy question.  What am I supposed to do with all the words you wrote on my body?”  It should be noted that she had surgery two days ago, but she; is a big Brett Favre fan…

  • I like Robert Downey, Jr. a lot, but I don’t know how I feel about Iron Man?  Or Wall-E for that matter.

  • I put “ugly charlotte hornet” in to Google’s image search and this came up:

    ugly alan

    Have fun never sleeping again.

  • Courtesy of tuffy, Chris Paul teaching bowling:

 

  • My mom has arrived with many treats.  Let’s liveblog.  Or live blog.  You know.

3rd Quarter 52-40 Dallas

  • As a fellow who has landed on someone’s feet twice in the past 3 months, I feel for Josh Howard.

  • My mom brought a crazy amount of treats.  She probably could feed all of the internet.

  • 54-48 DAL - Good start for the Hornets.  They really needed to get a couple of quick baskets so that this game doesn’t turn in to a blowout.

  • My favorite Chris Paul maneuver is the one he just used to get David West that jumper.  He gets by his man then dribbles right in to the defender.  They back up and the guy he passes to is all by himself.  It’s unorthodox but effective.

  • David West has more arm angles than Orlando Hernandez.

  • The prevalence of elbow pads in this game is quite frightening.

  • No matter what Dikembe Mutumbo is doing, it’s funny.  Even if it’s just walking.

  • WHAT?  Morris Peterson is king of absurd shots.

  • I dig Chandler’s lines in his head, but they make his beard not connect which is a huge faux pas.  That kid is always just a little off.

  • 4:30 65-60 DAL - Paul is heating up and the crowd is going bonkers.

  • AND ONE.  Huge.  Chris Paul is man-sized as well.

  • Tirico may have just made a deaf person joke.

  • I like that Jason Terry is keeping the Nick Van Exel crooked headband alive for the Hornets.

  • 2:42 DAL by 3 - Timeout.  Switching to Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

  • I can see why they wanted to trade Devean George.  Terrible pass and catching Chris Paul in the open court is impossible.

  • Bonzi Wells and Al Harrington are very turtle-ish.

  • 1:17 - 72-68 NO - 15-3 run in last 3ish minutes for the Hornets.  They score quickly when they’re clicking.

  • My mom just realized Mark Cuban from “Dancing with the Stars.”  She’s not a huge NBA fan.

  • I literally just fist-pumped that Tyson Chandler put back.  This is close to becoming SPORTS BY CHRIS.

 4th Quarter Something to Something NO

  • I’ll get you the score when they decide on this Jason Kidd shot.

  • People who really like pasta would be able to tell that it wasn’t high class.  Trust me, I watch “Top Chef.”

  • 11:34 - 76-74 NO - The Kidd jumper didn’t count.

  • If this game turns in to a Jason Kidd/Jannero Pargo jumpshot festival, I’ll be sad because this has been a GREAT day for basketball.  These games couldn’t have been better so far.

  • That Bonzi charge is a layup for LeBron James.  Just sayin’.

  • The parallels between Nick Van Exel and Jason Terry are creeping me out.  #31, high socks, crooked headband, point guard that shoots alot.  Creepy.

  • From the fiancee: “Do you think a McDonald’s double cheeseburger would still taste the same if you put it in a blender?”  Something tells me she wants solid food.

  • 9:22 - 80-74 NO - There have been A LOT of shot clock violations today.  Shouldn’t that be incredibly rare?

  • It’s good that Tyson Chandler has exactly replicated Ben Wallace’s game now that Ben Wallace is dead.

  • Right now, I’m surprised when Chris Paul misses one of his random, I-got-fouled layups.

  • It looks like Passive Dirk is back.  Not good for Dallas.

  • There has to be a better option than Jannero Pargo.  Do the Hornets still have Dell Curry?

  • Chris Paul’s speed is winning this game for the Hornets.  Kidd’s corpse is STRUGGLING.

  • What’s happening with the Hornets right now is exactly what happened with the Warriors last year.  They’re getting baskets and realizing that they definitely belong.  Not surprisingly, this has happened to Dallas before.

  • Please, Byron Scott, get Jannero Pargo out.

  • I have to apologize, I keep forgetting to look at the score before commercials.  These Nilla Wafers are fantastic.

  • 5:04 - 88-76 NO - Cheap foul by Nowitzki after a missed jumper.  He’s out of this.  Shades of last year and the year before.

  • PARGO HAS AN ASSIST TO ENORMOUS PEJA HEAD!

  • And once again, Stackhouse is being man-sized.  I hated him for most of his career, but I’ve turned around since he went to Dallas’ bench.

  • If you haven’t gathered yet, “man-sized” is my go to adjective for guys that are stepping up.  Spread the word.  Literally.

  • Avery is wondering if it’s time to put in Adrian Dantley.

  • Remember when those Coors Light commercials were innovative?  Now they’re annoying.

  • QUESTION: Is the UPS guy drawing CGI or real?

  • Something tells me that Pargo loves free-throws more than any other play.  It’s just him shooting with everyone watching.

  • 2:40 - 94-80 NO - Dallas fans wear a lot of basketball themed football jerseys.  I do not like basketball themed football jerseys.

  • David West would be a great name for a politician.

  • Bad things happen when Pargo passes, so keep shooting Jannero.  Not that he needs my approval.

  • I think it’s important that West and Paul both played at least as well as they were expected.  The whole Hornet’s team did, in fact.  This team should be taken seriously.

  • 1:17 - 101-88 NO - Another Pargo assist to ENORMOUS PEJA HEAD.  Tirico says it’s over and barring a horrendous hurricane, he’s right.

  • Is Cuban sitting on the floor?

  • Tyronn Lue, Devean George, and Juwan Howard are in.  Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

  • This New Orleans win, along with their crowd, are eerily similar to Golden State last year.

  • Stackhouse is the only guy on the Mavericks who would take that foul.  That’s unfortunate.  Everyone else can be punked.

 Final Score 104-92 New Orleans

  • Final thoughts on the game:  New Orleans is for real.

  • Dallas is scared.  They still haven’t recovered from Golden State last year.

  • Chris Paul is better than advertised.  I think there’s a real chance the Hornets could go far this year.

Thanks so much for enjoying this liveblogamajig.  Hope to see you around these parts again sometime.