Texans Solve Alcohol Abuse… With Smaller Cups

Perhaps it’s just that we’ve never had season tickets to pro football games, but we’ve never understood why people drink beer at them. Yes, it’s football and beer goes with football like you would not believe, but… it’s Sunday, man. Who drinks on a Sunday? Well, let’s rephrase that, otherwise the answer is “us” - who gets drunk on a Sunday?

Houston Texans Glass
(Awww, it looks so sad when it’s empty.)

Well, Houstonians do, it would appear, because Texans fans are up in flabby arms* over Reliant Stadium’s latest trick: quietly switching out last year’s 24 ounce cups of beer for newer, smaller, dare-we-say sexier 20 ounce versions. Hmm? Oh, they’re charging the exact same price? Oh, that’s not kosher.

Per the HOUSTON CHRONICLE, this is all in the name of responsibility, you see:

In part, [VP of Communications Tony] Wyllie said, the move was a response to the NFL’s league-wide effort to cut down on heavy drinking at games. And in part, he added, it was a way to avoid sticking fans with a price hike during tough economic times. He said that rising wholesale prices would have pushed a 24-ounce Bud or Miller product past $8 at the concession stand.

“If we’d served 24 ounces this year, the price would be higher,” he said. But, he added, referring to the NFL initiative, “Honestly, it was more of a responsibility decision. It wasn’t a business decision. … We as the Texans wanted to do the most responsible thing.”

Yes, responsibility. That’s why the first reason cited by the VP was… rising costs. Yep.

By all means, though, our favorite aspect of the story was the detective work done by fans to figure out this dastardly plot:

… when I filled it with water and poured that into one of last year’s cups it came up 4 oz. short. After all that publicity about “specials” for the ‘down economy’ they’ve pulled a “bait and switch”.

Easy there, CSI! You’re blowing our minds here! Turns out we’ve got ourselves a regular Norman Einstein on our hands.

We like to imagine that fan, leaning over his kitchen sink, stretching the midsection of a David Carr jersey to within an inch of its life, pouring water between two cups with a crazed look in his eyes, and yelling to his wife, “HONEY, I THINK I’VE GOT SOMETHING!”

But we can agree with Texans fans on one thing: not alerting fans to the change is a little bogus, especially considering the team’s explanation:

Wyllie said it’s not unusual for the team’s concessionaires to tweak their menus without making a public announcement. He cited as examples the addition of jalapenos to a particular dish.

Jalapenos? Jalapenos?! Sir, I know and love jalapenos. I put them in my cereal and coffee. Jalapenos are why every single one of my BMs have stung unmercifully since 1997. But jalapenos are mere specks and flecks of importance compared to the vast greatness of beer. When it comes to four full ounces of beer, or over a dollar’s worth, it is imperative to alert the fans to the problem ahead of them and advise them to adjust their plans accordingly. And by that we mean “get rip-snorting blitzed before the game and smuggle vodka in under the folds of your man cans**.”

*Because Houston is a massively obese city, you see.
**See above.