Tennis And Simulated Masturbation Just Don’t Mix

The folks who run the Australian Open — who happen to go by the ultra-creative handle Tennis Australia — have always known that tennis alone is not enough to keep the people entertained. This is why they’ve done a lot of work in recent years to make the event not just a tennis tournament, but an experience. Go see Roger Federer emasculate some teenage Kiwi during the day, and then catch a burlesque show at night.

Absinthe show

Sounds like a fantastic mix, doesn’t it? Well it seems that not everybody down under agrees with our moral sensibilities here at SbB, especially when it comes to one show in particular. The show Absinthe opened at the Spiegeltent on Monday night, and apparently it offended some of those in the attendance. I guess they don’t find racial slurs and simulated masturbation to be family entertainment, the fascists.

From the HERALD SUN:

Tennis Australia has agreed to tone down a burlesque-style show featuring obscenity and simulated masturbation at the Australian Open.

But CEO Steve Wood has defended the decision to include a show in the event’s entertainment line-up that has been described by some reviewers as “sleazy” and “borderline pornographic”.

The show has featured racial slurs - including anti-German, anti-Asian and anti-black references – as well as references to gay bashings.

Sounds pretty awesome to me, but then again I hate Asians, Germans, the color black, and happy people. The star of the show seems to be the MC, who goes by the moniker The Gazillionaire. According to one entertainment reporter, The Gazillionaire is “a vile vile creature, with the worst foul mouth I have ever experienced in a live show.” So at least we now know what Chris Berman does when the NFL season ends.

(If he could do that the other way he’d never leave the house)

Now I can understand that this show may be a bit too edgy for an event that promotes itself as family-friendly, but I don’t think the Open is wrong in theory as much as they are execution. Instead of having The Gazillionaire hosting the event and a whole bunch of performers nobody has ever heard of in the show, why not use actual tennis players?

Tell me a show featuring Ana Ivanovic simulating masturbation while talking smack about Kaiser Wilhelm wouldn’t sell out in record time.

Ana Ivanovic Topless Photo

I know I’d go.