On any given night, finding a key member of the Miami Heat organization can be quite a chore. So many excuses and destinations have been formulated that it can require the sleuthing powers of the finest detective minds the world can offer. Like yours.

Sunday’s contest against the Dallas Mavericks proved no different than any other night recently. Only nine Heat players logged minutes in the 25-point loss despite the game never resembling a competition. So where was everybody yesterday? Play along with us as we start yet another edition of “Where in the World Are the Miami Heat?”.

Hit it, Rockapella!

Where in the World is Pat Riley?

Clue: A page ripped from Pat Riley’s diary stating in part, “… have to go somewhere Sunday that is my least favorite place on the planet, but I couldn’t think of an excuse tod…”

Answer: It’s hard to believe, but he was in American Airlines Arena on Sunday coaching the Miami Heat! If you guessed “anywhere but with the Heat”, don’t feel so badly; he missed a game Friday and will do his best to miss games next weekend to attend the NCAA Tournament, scouting the best steakhouses of the tourney host cities.

Where in the World is Dwyane Wade?

Clue: A torn-up note from Dwyane Wade’s doctor telling him to stop clicking his heels together three times or else he’ll injure something else.

Answer: He was in Peoria, IL, watching his alma mater win the championship he couldn’t bring home. No, not Marquette: Richards High School. That’s because Wade’s a winner and he only surrounds himself with winners.

Where in the World is Shawn Marion?

Clue: A voice mail to Shawn Marion from Steve Kerr telling Marion to stop trying to work the pole in his car, followed by a cackle and a dial tone.

Answer: On the sidelines watching the drubbing while gripping his back… with laughter, perhaps. He had been nursing a sore back over the last week when he aggravated the condition backing his vehicle into a pole Saturday. No strippers were injured in the accident.

Where in the World is Udonis Haslem?

Clue: Soiled novelty “I’m with the Pole Dancer” T-shirt in his locker.

Answer: Sitting next to Marion while mending from his twisted ankle for the last five games and 15 of the last 20. Hopefully, amputation won’t be necessary.

Where in the World is Marcus Banks?

Clue: A paper trail from Phoenix to Miami.

Answer: He was the man tugging on Riley’s immaculate suit coat Sunday and begging to be put into the game.

Where in the World is Micky Arison?

Clue: “PTI” mug on his desk stuffed with hundred dollar bills.

Answer: Answering 20 inane questions from Dan Le Batard, who has already started planning his summer vacation, too. And who can blame him, frankly?

Where in the World is David Stern?

Clue: None

Answer: No one knows for sure. If he were still around, he might try to do something to put this pathetic charade in Miami to an end and force them to respect the remainder of the NBA season to some degree. If you spot David Stern before the end of the season, please notify Seattle fans as well.

Where in the World are Heat Fans?

Clue:

Answer: You tell us.