Overbearing mothers of young girls, your dreams have come true. Someone finally got around to inventing a device that will brutally drill the lovable product of your loins in Popularity 101 before they reach high school so you can concentrate on more pressing tasks, like living vicariously through your li’l darlin’ or joining a few more clubs to mask the walls of your familial prison.
Welcome to We Cheer! for Wii. (Seewhattheydidthere?) Boys train to be football stars on Madden; girls train to tell the boys how awesome they are while in short skirts. Thanks, Nintendo! We look forward to the We Cheer Girl to join the Wii Fit Girl in infamy by Christmas.
Some of you are clucking at us right now, perpetuating the stereotypes of middle America while describing a wholesome pastel game for the youngun’. Shall we review the pixilated evidence?
First, did you see those pictures above? It will take a dozen showings of “The Karen Carpenter Story” to even begin to treat the bulimia caused by playing this game. Cynthia Gibb, take us away!
When your little bundle of joy starts the game, she selects from a range of charming girls to act as her proxy. Why did these sweet kids join the cheerleading squad? According to their largely fictional biographies, “Who doesn’t want to be a cheerleader?” “Because my friends are on the team!” “To meet boys!”
Then she choose new clothes for her doll, jams her onto a stage worthy of ESPN filler during the Super Bowl, and begins gyrating to the bubblegum pop remakes of the 80s. Honestly, why didn’t our favorite 33-year-old high school cheerleader try this first? She could have saved herself more sanitarium time.
If you wish to tout the exercise capabilities of the game, fine. Then buy your kid Wii Fit or, barring weather, send her outside. Only bloated bloggers with a well-defined fear of the unknown (especially “outside”) should be allowed to fall back on this excuse.
(We, uhm, did totally leave the We Cheer Web site open, though, so we could bop to “Walkin’ on Sunshin” while we wrote this. So we’ve got that in common with 10-year-old girls. We may have some ’splainin to do when the Feds do their next sweep for child pornographers.)