African Soccer Player Drowns In Cleansing Ritual

A Zimbabwean soccer player drowned earlier this week during a ritual swim in a raging river that was supposed to cleanse his team of evil spirits. These things never work. Didn’t they see the Cubs try this by holding hands while wading chest deep in Lake Michigan to ward off their curse? They even ritually sacrificed Micah Hoffpauir. The spirits always win, man.

Victoria Falls

While backward beliefs in underdeveloped countries can seem quaint and innocent on the surface, they sometimes lead to trying some really, really dumb things, like attempting to swim in a dangerous river infested with unfriendly animals. The unlucky player apparently didn’t have much of a choice either, as the players were instructed to enter the water by team officials.

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Mugabe Gives White Swimmer $100k in Suitcase

Kirsty Coventry… that name seems familiar.  She was in the Olympics, right?  As always, our trip to Rogge’s Brigadoon starts to fade immediately after the traditional boot to the head from David Beckham and we start thinking about more traditional pursuits.  If only we had some kind of visual to stimulate the memory…

Kirsty Coventry

(”I’m gettin’ a suitcase filled with caaaaaash… I’m gettin’ a suitcase filled with caaaaaash…”)

Oh, right!  She was one of the people dressed like a dolphin.   We remember now.  Also, we remember her as the woman to receive US$100,000 from noted Zimbabwe strongman (and/or puppet of the military) Robert Mugabe in a suitcase.  The “daughter from Zimbabwe”, as he calls her, long since left the war-torn nest for the United States.  We can’t imagine why.
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