WWE CEO Linda McMahon For Senate? Oh, Good

9 times out of 10, politics is a thoroughly insufferable exhibition of pandering, falsehoods, and carefully staged appearances designed to minimize any tests of critical thinking or knowledge. Always smile, always believe in America, say things like “strong,” then spend the GDP of Africa on ads. Rinse, repeat, try to keep from regurgitating dinner.

Vince and Linda McMahon
(I remember the days when spousal abuse was a deal-breaker for getting into Congress. I guess Republicans don’t care about domestic violence. /politicaltotalbullcrap’d)

But every now and then, you get a candidate who’s well-known and cut his chops on speaking in front of a camera years ago. Someone with a background in wrestling. Someone like… Al Franken! Believe it or not, he was a high school and college wrestler. Oh, what’s that? There was another guy from Minnesota? Oh yeah, Jesse Ventura. Okay, him too.

Now it appears that a lady from the wrestling world is about to get involved, and while - sadly - it’s not the one wrestler whose fake boob went “pop”, it is Vince McMahon’s wife Linda… and she means business.

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Selling MMA, UFC A Lot Easier If Fighters Don’t Die

The TORONTO GLOBE AND MAIL recently called MMA, albeit plaintively, “the miracle of sport marketing in the early 21st century.” It’s hard to argue. Even as recently as a year ago, EA Sports refused to believe MMA was a sport; now they’re fighting for a share of the burgeoning market. And now, with UFC 100 in the books, nobody doubts the staying power of the sport.

Marcus Galvao KTFO
(Fortunately, Marcus Galvao eventually woke up.)

But perhaps the confidence is all premature. After all, the one hurdle MMA has never had to clear here in its heyday is its most inevitable, logical conclusion: death.

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Former Pro Wrestler Beats Kids For Father’s Day

According to the Hallmark Cards website, “A Babylonian youth named Elmesu carved the first known Father’s Day card in clay nearly 4,000 years ago. His special message wished his father good health and a long life.” Since that ancient card-thingy, celebrations of father-child relationships have taken many forms. In Germany, the traditional Father’s Day celebration includes a men’s-only hiking tour in which the hikers pull one or more small wooden wagons containing beer and sausage. (No, really.) In many parts of the United States, the occasion calls for chintzy cards and bad neckties.

WWF Killer Bees (Brian Blair)

As with many aspects of life, however, Florida handles things differently and ass-backwards. At least, that’s what the actions of former Hillsborough County commissioner and WWF(E?) wrestler Brian Blair (above left) would lead us to believe. You see, Blair chose to commemorate that most sacred of bonds, the bond between parent and child, by beating the crap out of his two teenage sons on Father’s Day. Hey, Brian? YOU’RE (allegedly) DOING IT WRONG.

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Nuggets, WWE Fighting Over Pepsi Center Time

Usually, if you own a basketball or hockey team that has a legitimate shot at reaching a deep round of the playoffs, you don’t rent out your home arena. Evidently Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke wasn’t too sold on this year’s Denver team, because his basketball team is currently embroiled in a battle of smack talk over who will get the Pepsi Center next Monday night, as both WWE’s “Monday Night RAW” and Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals are scheduled to be there.

rocky nuggets mascot

(Rocky vs. The Big Show. For the arena, winner take all.)

According to the web site for Denver ABC affiliate 7NEWS, WWE’s Vince McMahon is not the least bit happy about the scheduling snafu, which threatens to send his weekly event to a smaller venue, or outside of Denver altogether, if the NBA doesn’t step in and move the date of Game 4, an outcome which is extremely unlikely at best.

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HS Cheer Coach Canned After Playboy Photoshoot

• A California high school cheerleading coach was given her pink slip when she took off her slip - and everything else - for Playboy.

Carlie Christine

• ESPN’s expose on the WWE was more of a tapout than a body slam.

• Speaking of physical assault, a Brazilian soccer coach punches a ref in the middle of a game.

• How did the Chicago Bulls’ Ben Gordon burn his arm? Would you believe because his scarf caught on fire?

• When he’s not passing the ball, Dwight Howard loves to pass gas.

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Speed Read: ESPN Pulls Its Punches With WWE

If you’ve watched ESPN for more than five minutes this week, you know that last night was the season premiere of “E:60″, ESPN’s version of “60 Minutes,” and the featured story was a “rare, behind-the-scenes” look at the WWE and a profile of Vince McMahon. Jeremy Schaap was sent out to watch as the organization prepared for Wrestlemania.

Vince McMahon at Chris Benoit special on Raw

The choice of reporters makes sense - McMahon is notoriously volatile with cable TV reporters and diminutive hosts alike, while Schaap is best known for not being as good as his Dad (in the opinion of Bobby Knight). And because of the controversy which always surrounds the WWE, there were a litany of hard-hitting questions that Schaap could have asked - questions that other reporters either didn’t know to ask or wouldn’t.

So what was the end result? If you guessed “a 13 minute long sloppy wet kiss to Vince McMahon from your friends at ESPN,” you win an autographed 8 x 10 of Mean Gene Okerlund. Because what Schaap and the E:60 crew put together was - at best - shockingly lax reporting bordering on the type of fawning, hands-off “journalism” you would expect from “Access Hollywood.”

Don’t believe me? Watch it for yourself, and pay attention to all the times Schaap completely whiffs on asking a tough question, or when he does, how it’s set up as the perfect softball for McMahon to nail over the fence. I would suggest making a drinking game of it, but this is a morning post and I don’t want people to get too plastered to go to work today.

Apparently in ESPN’s world, Owen Hart’s death never happened, and the XFL was just a figment of my imagination. And even the “tough issues” they touched on were either brushed over or poorly handled.

For example, let’s look at the segment on Chris Benoit. First off, Schaap mentions McMahon’s federal steroids trial and his own admission of steroid use, but never actually asks him a question about it. And he doesn’t follow up on the WWE’s “Wellness Policy” - which has been highly criticized in the industry - other than to say “why do you need one at all?” and give McMahon a perfect opportunity to play the role of the caring boss who only wants the best for his employees.

Of course, getting sidetracked into steroid talk overlooks significant issues in the Benoit case, like how much Benoit’s history of multiple concussions might have rattled his brain to the point of no return, or how the WWE’s insane travel schedules with almost no time off can crack anyone. (They did briefly mention the WWE’s treatment of wrestlers as “contractors”, but again they didn’t ask McMahon directly about it, or any of his current roster.)

Which makes me wonder: just how much did ESPN have to give up in order to get the “exclusive” access to the WWE? It sure seemed like there was a whole list of questions that were off-limits, or at least not fully explored. I think the level of “exclusive” access ESPN received is best summed up by the fact that they were kicked out of the weekly WWE production meeting midway through because they were hitting on something Vince McMahon didn’t want to share.

But I’m sure that Schaap would argue the point tooth and nail with me…except that I read this interview with him about his profile of the WWE, and he basically admits that this was a softball piece:

I think our interview is very different and it revealed a different side of him. I didn’t go into it and put him on the defensive. We asked him the tough questions - you have to ask him the tough questions and he addressed them but he didn’t get defensive or angry as you’ve seen him in previous interviews because he understood we were approaching it from a perspective of giving him a chance and treated him with the respect that you would treat Paul Tagliabue or Roger Goodell now or Gary Bettman or George Steinbrenner. I’ve seen George Steinbrenner interviewed over the years many times - not recently of course because he has not been well - but George Steinbrenner is a guy who, with all due respect, is a felon. A guy who was kicked twice out of major league baseball, once for committing federal felonies, once for hiring a known extortionist and ex-con to dig up dirt on his best player Dave Winfield and yet, have you ever hear anybody interview George Steinbrenner on TV or in a press conference or any situation as rudely as sometimes Vince McMahon has been treated?

Good lord…sounds to me like Schaap is angling for a spot as a guest ring announcer at next year’s Wrestlemania. Have fun with that. Simply embarrassing - someone wake the ESPN Ombudsperson from her slumber and have her try to explain this to me.

Knee injuries in girls

Also needing to do a better job of explaining things: sports medicine expert Dr. Robin West, who was interviewed by the NBC Nightly News for a look at the rise of knee injuries among young athletes (surprise - they are being pushed too hard too soon by overbearing parents). In a Web exclusive, Dr. West talks about why female athletes are especially at risk for ACL injuries, and why menstruation might be a factor. Or not.

This is about as confusing as Newt Gingrich trying to explain why women can’t serve on the front lines in the military because they get “infections” once a month. So having a period makes athletes more susceptible to knee injuries? Got it. And goes a long way to explain so much about Tom Brady. ZING!

(Also, I question giving anything the title “Knees: The Achilles Heel of Girls’ Sports.” Wouldn’t the Achilles heel be the Achilles heel of girls sports? Unless women don’t have an Achilles heel - let me check my copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves” and get back to you.)

Lastly, the computer the NFL uses to create its schedules - which I suspect has a computing power somewhere between the evil machine from “War Games” and Hal from “2001″ - finally spit something out last night for the rest of us to ponder. Among the teams cursing the results, according to THE SPORTING NEWS, are the Bucs, Panthers and Dolphins, while somehow the Steelers wound up with a relatively pothole-free schedule. Go ahead and start the conspiracy theories now.

Other stories that happened last night as you tried to come up with a worse way to die than being crushed by a palm tree:

  • It looks like TBS has found its baseball version of Charles Barkley, as they have announced the signing of David Wells as studio analyst for their MLB coverage. Much like Barkley, he’s fat, frequently in trouble and has a loud mouth. I’m sure he’ll mesh well with Cal Ripken.
  • david wells dodgers

  • You might remember a few weeks ago when members of the Oregon basketball team were accused of some Duck-on-duck crimes. The EUGENE REGISTER-GUARD reports that as punishment for shooting at ducks at a local park, head coach Ernie Kent has ordered the players to work at a local humane society.
  • The SPOKESMAN-REVIEW says that Washington State might be done with football players Romeo Pellum and Micheal Willis, after they were arrested early Saturday morning on separate driving charges (suspended license and DUI, respectively). At least they were able to save head coach Paul Wulff having to drive over to the jail twice to pick them up - how thoughtful.
  • According to the AP, Asian Football Confederation president Mohamed bin Hammam threatened to “cut off the head” of the leader of the Korean Football Association in a recent interview, which sort of irritated the Koreans. I can’t imagine why.
  • Speaking of soccer, Chelsea and Liverpool had one of the craziest games in recent memory yesterday during the second leg of their UEFA Champions League quarterfinal, with the game ending in a 4-4 draw and Chelsea advancing on a 7-5 aggregate. The LOS ANGELES TIMES has the blow-by-blow.
  • Don’t really know much about Masters champion and now two-time major winner Angel Cabrera? This piece in the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE will change that, and give you a new appreciation of just where he’s come from - he’s no silver spoon, well-bred golfer.
  • New Jersey has just built a new state-of-the-art arena for the Devils and also upgrading the Meadowland’s Izod Center, the home of the Nets which is just eight miles away. As the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER notes, some people are wondering if this money could be put to slightly better use.
  • Apparently in Wisconsin, you can’t have junior hockey without booze, which is why the JANESVILLE GAZETTE says that Janesville City Council had to vote to allow the local ice rink to sell alcohol. The City Council did need to look up wine coolers online as part of their debate, making me wonder what self-respecting drunk hockey dad would be caught dead with a wine cooler?
  • The Mets opened Citi Field in ignomious fashion, with a 6-5 loss to the Padres. So it’s probably for the best that, as NEWSDAY reports, many fans weren’t able to see the game thanks to “obstructed view” seats.
  • Least surprising story of the baseball season so far: MLB.COM says Nomar Garciaparra left the Oakland A’s game against the Red Sox after one inning with soreness in his calf muscle.

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Can You Smell What The Rock’s Been Injecting?

I haven’t watched wrestling in years. The last time I paid any real attention to the “sport” was when Dwayne Johnson, also known as The Rock, was at the height of his popularity. Since then the grappler has gone from wrestling men in a speedo to starring in action movies like “The Scorpion King” and onto Disney flicks like his newest epic, “Race to Witch Mountain.”  In between he spent some time ticking off Hawaiians for his performance in a Saturday Night Live skit.

Before he gained fame as a wrestler and became a movie star, The Rock was just your regular backup defensive lineman for the Miami Hurricanes. From there he went on to play in the CFL a bit, but his dreams of becoming an NFL player seemed out of reach. Which is probably why he started doing steroids for a while.

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Fake Wrestler Chris Jericho Punches Real Woman

We’ll admit it; we didn’t watch The Wrestler. Sure, it got good reviews, but we refuse to support anything that glorifies Mickey Rourke. The reviews told us it was gritty and “real”–and that in order to prepare for the role, Rourke probably did a bunch of steroids. That’s because all professional wrestlers do a bunch of steroids*. Now, we paid attention to the afterschool specials that told us the dangers of doing steroids,** so the last thing we’d ever do is provoke one of these wrestlers by, oh I don’t know, spitting on them.

Chris Jericho Fight
(This would not end well. At all.)

But we’re neither this Canadian WWE fan nor his girlfriend, both of whom confronted and harassed WWE “superstar” Chris Jericho as he left a show in Victoria Saturday afternoon. Jericho was barely off the arena property when some “fans,” angry at Jericho’s remarks at the show, tried to confront him as a mob gathered. First, the video (with NSFW language) after the jump, then the eyewitness account, because there’s no way you’ll be able to tell what the hell just happened. Read more…

One More Chair Shot, But This Time With Feeling

Chris Benoit Phone Messages Released: So What?

It seems like the only that thing sadly survived WWE wrestler Chris Benoit’s murder-suicide rampage was the story of the aftermath. WSB-TV ATLANTA got a hold of cell phone messages left by Benoit and his friends and family, and only 10 months after the slayings!

Chris and Nancy Benoit

WSB-TV say the voice mails ” give new insight into what happened before and after the wrestling star killed his wife and young son before killing himself in their Fayette County home in June 2007.” Really? Read more…